AttackingZach
298 views2 months ago
Commander
Size: 100Salt sum: 30.44
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{"ops":[{"insert":"Do you have a child or immature adult in your life that loves fart and poop jokes? Do you want a playable art piece to make people around you laugh? Then do I have the deck for you! Ignore the fact that it says bracket four and technically runs mass land destruction. It targets Plains and nobody plays those obviously. If you plan on playing this, probably disclose Stench of Evil and Death Cloud or swap them out for bathroom humor ramp.\n \nWhat’s the game plan? Besides making your opponents laugh so hard that they poo themselves? Probably board control and maybe punching in for commander damage. \n\nIn an effort to find a suitably flavored commander for this deck, I almost went with Garth One-Eye with the idea of naming the deck “Garth BROWN-Eye.” However, it didn’t feel as apropos as a being who spends their first couple of months of life just absolutely doing jack S H I T— a child. Child of Alara was a natural fit to front the deck as I imagine the amount of destruction an Avatar being would wreck as it goes through galactic diaper after galactic diaper. Thankfully, for the sake of the June 2026 deck building contest, Child of Alara was also printed in the timeframe, so yay me. This deck is also a very stupid commemoration for the arrival of my first child soon, but that’s just a coincidence.\n\nAs for the lands, every land should be mildly dirty, have a miasma, or be reminiscent of a gross gas station bathroom. Also, they’re fairly budget lands because it’s a crappy deck, so please excuse the temples if you don’t believe they’re 100% flavorful. It’s the weakest reason I could come up with, but please believe I tried to find the best fitting lands I could. It only occurred to me that I should’ve just went with the gold foil Aetherdrift basics, but I put too much work into finding the green mist islands, swamps, and forest that they’re staying. I will happily accept recommendations in the comments below\n"}]}
Don’t Trust That Fart
Change of Plans
Each of X target creatures you control connive. You may have any number of them phase out. (To have a creature connive, draw a card, then discard a card. If you discarded a nonland card, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature. Treat phased-out permanents and anything attached to them as though they don't exist until their controller's next turn.)
Instant
Inevitable Betrayal
Suspend 3— (Rather than cast this card from your hand, pay and exile it with three time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter. When the last is removed, you may cast it without paying its mana cost.)
Search target opponent's library for a creature card and put that card onto the battlefield under your control. Then that player shuffles.
Search target opponent's library for a creature card and put that card onto the battlefield under your control. Then that player shuffles.
Sorcery
Molten Disaster
Kicker (You may pay an additional as you cast this spell.)
If this spell was kicked, it has split second. (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't cast spells or activate abilities that aren't mana abilities.)
Molten Disaster deals X damage to each creature without flying and each player.
If this spell was kicked, it has split second. (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't cast spells or activate abilities that aren't mana abilities.)
Molten Disaster deals X damage to each creature without flying and each player.
Sorcery
Violent Outburst
Cascade (When you cast this spell, exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card that costs less. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Put the exiled cards on the bottom in a random order.)
Creatures you control get +1/+0 until end of turn.
Creatures you control get +1/+0 until end of turn.
Instant
Don’t Trust That Fart
(CTRL to add secondary)
Land
Land
(CTRL to add secondary)
Mudbutt
Mudbutton Cursetosser
As an additional cost to cast this spell, behold a Goblin or pay . (To behold a Goblin, choose a Goblin you control or reveal a Goblin card from your hand.)
This creature can't block.
When this creature dies, destroy target creature an opponent controls with power 2 or less.
This creature can't block.
When this creature dies, destroy target creature an opponent controls with power 2 or less.
Creature - Goblin Warlock
Mudslide
Creatures without flying don't untap during their controllers' untap steps.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player may choose any number of tapped creatures without flying they control and pay for each creature chosen this way. If the player does, untap those creatures.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player may choose any number of tapped creatures without flying they control and pay for each creature chosen this way. If the player does, untap those creatures.
Enchantment
Mudbutt
(CTRL to add secondary)
Sharding
Shardless Outlander
Trample (This creature can deal excess combat damage to the player or planeswalker it's attacking.)
Basic landcycling (, Discard this card: Search your library for a basic land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.)
Basic landcycling (, Discard this card: Search your library for a basic land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.)
Creature Artifact - Scout Construct
Sharding
(CTRL to add secondary)
Sounds of Running to the Nearest Bathroom
Crashing Footfalls
Suspend 4— (Rather than cast this card from your hand, pay and exile it with four time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter. When the last is removed, you may cast it without paying its mana cost.)
Create two 4/4 green Rhino creature tokens with trample.
Create two 4/4 green Rhino creature tokens with trample.
Sorcery
Jolted Awake
Choose up to one target artifact or creature card in your graveyard. You get (two energy counters). Then you may pay an amount of equal to that card's mana value. If you do, return it from your graveyard to the battlefield.
Cycling (, Discard this card: Draw a card.)
Cycling (, Discard this card: Draw a card.)
Sorcery
Sounds of Running to the Nearest Bathroom
(CTRL to add secondary)
Sources of E. Coli
Sources of E. Coli
(CTRL to add secondary)
That Smell. That Smelly Smell. That Smelly Smell That Smells Smelly
That Smell. That Smelly Smell. That Smelly Smell That Smells Smelly
(CTRL to add secondary)
Maybeboard
Maybeboard
(CTRL to add secondary)
Deck Info
Deck stats
CategoriesQtyOdds
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Deck extras (0)
Description
{"ops":[{"insert":"Do you have a child or immature adult in your life that loves fart and poop jokes? Do you want a playable art piece to make people around you laugh? Then do I have the deck for you! Ignore the fact that it says bracket four and technically runs mass land destruction. It targets Plains and nobody plays those obviously. If you plan on playing this, probably disclose Stench of Evil and Death Cloud or swap them out for bathroom humor ramp.\n \nWhat’s the game plan? Besides making your opponents laugh so hard that they poo themselves? Probably board control and maybe punching in for commander damage. \n\nIn an effort to find a suitably flavored commander for this deck, I almost went with Garth One-Eye with the idea of naming the deck “Garth BROWN-Eye.” However, it didn’t feel as apropos as a being who spends their first couple of months of life just absolutely doing jack S H I T— a child. Child of Alara was a natural fit to front the deck as I imagine the amount of destruction an Avatar being would wreck as it goes through galactic diaper after galactic diaper. Thankfully, for the sake of the June 2026 deck building contest, Child of Alara was also printed in the timeframe, so yay me. This deck is also a very stupid commemoration for the arrival of my first child soon, but that’s just a coincidence.\n\nAs for the lands, every land should be mildly dirty, have a miasma, or be reminiscent of a gross gas station bathroom. Also, they’re fairly budget lands because it’s a crappy deck, so please excuse the temples if you don’t believe they’re 100% flavorful. It’s the weakest reason I could come up with, but please believe I tried to find the best fitting lands I could. It only occurred to me that I should’ve just went with the gold foil Aetherdrift basics, but I put too much work into finding the green mist islands, swamps, and forest that they’re staying. I will happily accept recommendations in the comments below\n"}]}