Solemn Simulacrum

When this creature enters, you may search your library for a basic land card, put that card onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.
When this creature dies, you may draw a card.

Rod of Spanking

{2}, {T}: Rod of Spanking deals 1 damage to target player. Then untap Rod of Spanking unless that player says "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

Mind Stone

{T}: Add {C}.
{1}, {T}, Sacrifice Mind Stone: Draw a card.

Wet Willie of the Damned

Wet Willie of the Damned deals 2½ damage to any target and you gain 2½ life.

Time Machine

{T}: Exile Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own. Return them to the battlefield at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X in the next game you play with one of your opponents in this game, where X is the mana value of the exiled creature.

Saw in Half

Destroy target creature. If that creature dies this way, its controller creates two tokens that are copies of that creature, except their power is half that creature's power and their toughness is half that creature's toughness. Round up each time.

Sly Spy

Whenever Sly Spy deals combat damage to a player, you may destroy target creature facing right in its art. (Creatures without faces don't face anywhere.)

Underdome

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add one mana of any color. Spend this mana only to pay Un-costs.

Staff of the Death Magus

Whenever you cast a black spell or a Swamp you control enters, you gain 1 life.

Tragic Slip

Target creature gets -1/-1 until end of turn.
Morbid — That creature gets -13/-13 until end of turn instead if a creature died this turn.

Six-Sided Die

Choose target creature. Roll a six-sided die.
1 — It has base toughness 1 until end of turn.
2 — Put two -1/-1 counters on it.
3 — Six-Sided Die deals 3 damage to it and you gain 3 life.
4 — It gets -4/-4 until end of turn.
5 — Destroy it.
6 — Exile it.

Burnished Hart

{3}, Sacrifice this creature: Search your library for up to two basic land cards, put them onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

City of Brass

Whenever City of Brass becomes tapped, it deals 1 damage to you.
{T}: Add one mana of any color.

Spike, Tournament Grinder

({B/P} can be paid with either {B} or 2 life.)
{B/P}{B/P}{B/P}{B/P}: Reveal a card you own from outside the game that has been banned or restricted in a Constructed format and put it into your hand.

Disemvowel

Destroy target creature. That creature's controller loses 1 life for each unique vowel in the creature's name. (The vowels are A, E, I, O, U, and Y.)

Replicating Ring

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a night counter on Replicating Ring. Then if it has eight or more night counters on it, remove all of them and create eight colorless snow artifact tokens named Replicated Ring with "{T}: Add one mana of any color."

Necro-Impotence

Skip your untap step.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay X life. If you do, untap X permanents.
Pay ½ life: Exile the top card of your library face down. Put that card into your hand at the beginning of the next end step.

Toxic Deluge

As an additional cost to cast this spell, pay X life.
All creatures get -X/-X until end of turn.

The Fallen Apart

The Fallen Apart enters with two arms and two legs.
Whenever damage is dealt to The Fallen Apart, remove an arm or a leg from it.
The Fallen Apart can't attack if it has no legs and can't block if it has no arms.

Stinging Study

You draw X cards and you lose X life, where X is the mana value of a commander you own on the battlefield or in the command zone.

Kill! Destroy!

Destroy target nonblack creature.
Gotcha — If an opponent says "kill" or "destroy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Kill! Destroy! from your graveyard to your hand.

Blacker Lotus

{T}: Tear Blacker Lotus into pieces. Add four mana of any one color. Remove the pieces from the game.

Offer Immortality

Target creature gains deathtouch and indestructible until end of turn. (Damage and effects that say "destroy" don't destroy it.)

Tainted Monkey

{T}: Choose a word. Target player mills a card. If a card with the chosen word in its text box was milled this way, they lose 3 life.

Temp of the Damned

As Temp of the Damned enters, roll a six-sided die. Temp of the Damned enters with a number of funk counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a funk counter from Temp of the Damned. If you can't, sacrifice it.

Dark Ritual

Lightning Greaves

Equipped creature has haste and shroud. (It can't be the target of spells or abilities.)
Equip {0}

Thran Dynamo

Sol Ring

Swiftfoot Boots

Equipped creature has hexproof and haste. (It can't be the target of spells or abilities your opponents control. It can attack and {T} no matter when it came under your control.)
Equip {1} ({1}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

Extremely Slow Zombie

Last strike (This creature deals combat damage after creatures without last strike.)

Feed the Swarm

Destroy target creature or enchantment an opponent controls. You lose life equal to that permanent's mana value.

Deathgreeter

Whenever another creature dies, you may gain 1 life.

Whenever a creature deals damage to a player, that player may say "Ow" once for each permanent named Ow. If the player doesn't, Ow deals 1 damage to them.

Diabolic Tutor

Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, then shuffle.

When Fluffy Bunnies Attack

Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of times the letter of your choice appears in that creature's name.

Infernal Grasp

Destroy target creature. You lose 2 life.

Paper Tiger

Creatures named Rock Lobster can't attack or block.

Swamp

Animate Graveyard

Enchant your graveyard
Enchanted graveyard is a creature on the battlefield with base power and toughness each equal to the number of cards in it. It has the text boxes of all creature cards in it. It's still a graveyard.
If enchanted graveyard would leave the battlefield, instead exile Animate Graveyard.

Ayara, First of Locthwain

Whenever Ayara, First of Locthwain or another black creature you control enters, each opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.
{T}, Sacrifice another black creature: Draw a card.

Toy Boat

Cumulative upkeep—Say "Toy Boat" quickly. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on Toy Boat, then sacrifice it unless you say "Toy Boat" once for each age counter on it—without pausing between or fumbling it.)

K'rrik, Son of Yawgmoth

({B/P} can be paid with either {B} or 2 life.)
Lifelink
For each {B} in a cost, you may pay 2 life rather than pay that mana.
Whenever you cast a black spell, put a +1/+1 counter on K'rrik, Son of Yawgmoth.

World-Bottling Kit

{5}, Sacrifice World-Bottling Kit: Choose a Magic set. Exile all permanents with that set's expansion symbol except for basic lands.

Bronze Walrus

When Bronze Walrus enters, scry 2. (Look at the top two cards of your library, then put any number of them on the bottom and the rest on top in any order.)
{T}: Add one mana of any color.

capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Ashnod's Altar

Organ Harvest

Your team may sacrifice any number of creatures. For each creature sacrificed this way, you add {B}{B}.

Subcontract

A person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a nonland card from it. That player discards that card.

Coveted Jewel

When Coveted Jewel enters, draw three cards.
{T}: Add three mana of any one color.
Whenever one or more creatures an opponent controls attack you and aren't blocked, that player draws three cards and gains control of Coveted Jewel. Untap it.

Thought Vessel

You have no maximum hand size.
{T}: Add {C}.

Chromatic Lantern

Lands you control have "{T}: Add one mana of any color."
{T}: Add one mana of any color.

Jumbo Imp

Flying
As Jumbo Imp enters, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result.
At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Hoisted Hireling

Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Rat in the Hat

{T}, Sacrifice Rat in the Hat: Until end of turn, you may cast target creature card that has a hat from your graveyard.

Murder

Exotic Orchard

{T}: Add one mana of any color that a land an opponent controls could produce.

Sign in Blood

Target player draws two cards and loses 2 life.

Caged Sun

As Caged Sun enters, choose a color.
Creatures you control of the chosen color get +1/+1.
Whenever a land's ability causes you to add one or more mana of the chosen color, add one additional mana of that color.

Blood Pact

Coalition Relic

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
{T}: Put a charge counter on Coalition Relic.
At the beginning of your first main phase, remove all charge counters from Coalition Relic. Add one mana of any color for each charge counter removed this way.

Alloy Myr

Village Rites

As an additional cost to cast this spell, sacrifice a creature.
Draw two cards.

Read the Bones

Scry 2, then draw two cards. You lose 2 life. (To scry 2, look at the top two cards of your library, then put any number of them on the bottom and the rest on top in any order.)

Inhumaniac

At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. On a 3 or 4, put a +1/+1 counter on Inhumaniac. On a 5 or higher, put two +1/+1 counters on it. On a 1, remove all +1/+1 counters from Inhumaniac.

Darksteel Ingot

Indestructible (Effects that say "destroy" don't destroy this artifact.)
{T}: Add one mana of any color.

Snickering Squirrel

You may tap Snickering Squirrel to increase the result of a die any player rolled by 1.

Black Market

Whenever a creature dies, put a charge counter on Black Market.
At the beginning of your first main phase, add {B} for each charge counter on Black Market.

Xenosquirrels

Xenosquirrels enters with two +1/+1 counters on it.
After you roll a die, you may remove a +1/+1 counter from Xenosquirrels. If you do, increase or decrease the result by 1.

Zulaport Cutthroat

Whenever Zulaport Cutthroat or another creature you control dies, each opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.