{"ops":[{"insert":"🎁 THE BEAMTOWN BULLIES"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"UNSOLICITED DONATIONS"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Ceiling Bracket 3 — Jund Malicious Donate / Graveyard Toolbox"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Commander:"},{"insert":" The Beamtown Bullies\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Colors:"},{"insert":" Jund — Black / Red / Green\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Archetype:"},{"insert":" Donate / Reanimator / Graveyard / Goad / Forced Combat\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Primary Win:"},{"insert":" Weaponize creatures with catastrophic drawbacks by donating them to opponents\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Secondary Win:"},{"insert":" Forced combat / attrition / Living Death\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Game Changers:"},{"insert":" 3/3\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Infinite Combos:"},{"insert":" None\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Congratulations!"},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"You've been randomly selected to receive a complimentary creature."},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"No purchase necessary. Consent unnecessary."},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🎁 DECK OVERVIEW"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Unsolicited Donations"},{"insert":" is technically a reanimator deck.\nThe problem is that we're reanimating creatures for "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"other people"},{"insert":".\nThe Beamtown Bullies let us take a nonlegendary creature from our graveyard and put it onto an opponent's battlefield with haste and goad. At the next end step, it's exiled.\nThat sounds generous.\nIt isn't.\nOur graveyard is stocked with creatures such as:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Inverter of Truth"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Eater of Days"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Bronze Bombshell"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Soulgorger Orgg"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Hellcarver Demon"},{"insert":"\nThese are not creatures our opponents requested.\nThe basic game plan is:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Find horrible creature"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Put horrible creature in our graveyard"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Cast/protect the Bullies"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Choose recipient"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Make donation"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Untap Bullies"},{"insert":"\n→ "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Locate next recipient"},{"insert":"\nThis isn't traditional reanimator.\nIt's a cursed charity organization."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n📦 THE DONATION POLICY"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The most important thing to understand is that the creature enters the battlefield "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"under the opponent's control"},{"insert":".\nThat means detrimental ETB abilities generally become "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"their problem"},{"insert":".\nThe Bullies then give the creature haste and goad it, forcing the donation into combat when possible.\nFinally, the Bullies' effect exiles it at the beginning of the next end step.\nSo our gifts are generally:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Temporary."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Their consequences?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Not necessarily."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"If Leveler exiles someone's library, exiling Leveler later doesn't restore it.\nIf Eater of Days makes someone skip two turns, removing Eater doesn't refund those turns.\nThe product may disappear.\nThe damage to the customer remains."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n☠️ LEVELER"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"THE PLATINUM DONATION PACKAGE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"This is the signature Bullies gift.\nLeveler enters the battlefield.\nIts controller:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Exiles their entire library."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Normally that's a catastrophic drawback attached to a 10/10.\nWe're not casting Leveler.\nWe're delivering it.\nPut Leveler into the graveyard.\nActivate the Bullies targeting an opponent.\nLeveler enters under their control.\nTheir library disappears."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"When they next have to draw from an empty library, they lose unless they can somehow solve the problem.\nOur Leveler gets exiled at end step.\nTheir library does not magically return.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Thank you for participating in the Beamtown Literacy Reduction Program."},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🔄 INVERTER OF TRUTH"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"LIBRARY RESTRUCTURING SERVICES"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Inverter is more situational, which makes it more interesting.\nWhen it enters, its controller exiles their library and turns their graveyard into their new library.\nSo don't blindly donate this thing.\nLook at graveyards.\nPlayer A has 35 cards in theirs?\nAbsolutely not."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Player B has three?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"We have a winner."},{"insert":"\nGive Inverter to the opponent with the smallest graveyard and you can reduce their library to almost nothing.\nThis deck rewards paying attention.\nNot every gift belongs with every recipient."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n⏰ EATER OF DAYS"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"COMPLIMENTARY VACATION PACKAGE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Eater of Days enters.\nIts controller skips their next "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"two turns"},{"insert":".\nNot combat steps.\nNot main phases.\nTurns."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The Bullies eventually exile Eater.\nThe skipped turns remain.\nThis is one of the funniest donations because it doesn't necessarily kill somebody.\nIt just informs them:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"We'll see you again in approximately half an hour.\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Use this strategically.\nGiving Eater to the player about to untap and win can completely disrupt the game.\n\n💣 BRONZE BOMBSHELL"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"EXPRESS SHIPPING"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Sometimes we don't need complicated graveyard mathematics.\nBronze Bombshell winds up under an opponent's control.\nIts ability recognizes that someone other than its owner controls it.\nBoom."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"It gets sacrificed and deals 7 damage to that controller.\nSimple.\nElegant.\nExplosive.\nNot every donation needs a six-paragraph terms-of-service agreement.\nSometimes:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"The package is literally a bomb."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n❤️ SOULGORGER ORGG"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"LIFE-TOTAL ADJUSTMENT SERVICES"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"This one requires careful timing.\nWhen Soulgorger Orgg enters, its controller can get knocked down to "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"1 life"},{"insert":".\nThat's incredible.\nBut there's a catch: when Orgg leaves the battlefield, its controller can regain the life lost to it.\nAnd our Bullies donation eventually gets exiled.\nSo this is not:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"Set opponent permanently to 1.\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"It's:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"Set opponent to 1 and KILL THEM BEFORE CUSTOMER SERVICE PROCESSES THE REFUND.\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Donate Orgg when you or another opponent can immediately capitalize on the one-life window.\n\n😈 HELLCARVER DEMON"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"PREMIUM CHAOS PACKAGE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Hellcarver Demon is one of our most entertaining combat donations.\nThe Bullies give it haste and goad.\nIf it connects with a player, its controller has to deal with Hellcarver's enormous combat-damage trigger.\nThat can involve sacrificing their other permanents and discarding their hand before they start gambling with cards from the top of their library.\nIt's chaotic.\nIt's dangerous.\nIt's exactly what "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Unsolicited Donations"},{"insert":" is supposed to feel like.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Results may vary. Side effects may include loss of hand, permanents, dignity, or all three."},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🗡️ EBONBLADE REAPER"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"This is another donation designed around forced combat.\nThe Bullies give it haste and goad, so we want to engineer a combat where the Reaper can actually connect.\nThis is less deterministic than Leveler or Eater of Days.\nBut when it works, it can absolutely butcher a life total.\nThink of these combat-based gifts as tools rather than automatic plays.\nPick the correct recipient and the correct victim."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🎪 TEMPTING WURM & BOLDWYR HEAVYWEIGHTS"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"These are the more chaotic products in our catalog.\nThey create unusual table-wide effects that can dramatically alter the game.\nThey're not our first-choice donations when Leveler is available.\nThey're here because this deck wants a "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"toolbox of terrible ideas"},{"insert":", not merely one scripted line every game.\nSometimes we want surgical cruelty.\nSometimes:\nWe open the box and see what happens."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🪦 THE GRAVEYARD"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"OUR DISTRIBUTION WAREHOUSE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The creatures in our hand are inconvenient.\nThe creatures in our graveyard are "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"inventory"},{"insert":".\nThat's why the deck contains so many ways to put specific creatures there:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Entomb"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Buried Alive"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Unmarked Grave"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Faithless Looting"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Fauna Shaman"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Oriq Loremage"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Vile Entomber"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Grisly Salvage"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Demand Answers"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Thrill of Possibility"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Bitter Reunion"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Bitter Triumph"},{"insert":"\nWe don't want to naturally cast Leveler.\nWe want:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"Leveler, please report to Distribution. Your new family has been selected.\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n⚰️ BURIED ALIVE"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"RESTOCK THE WAREHOUSE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"This is one of the best cards in the deck.\nFor three mana, choose "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"three creatures"},{"insert":" and put them directly into our graveyard.\nA classic shipment might be:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Eater of Days"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Soulgorger Orgg"},{"insert":"\nNow we've stocked three different products for three different situations.\nPlayer A has no answer to decking?\nLeveler."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Player B is about to combo?\nEnjoy your two-turn vacation."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Player C can immediately be killed at one life?\nOrgg."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Buried Alive turns our graveyard into a menu.\n\n⚰️ ENTOMB & UNMARKED GRAVE"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"SAME-DAY SHIPPING"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Sometimes we don't need three creatures.\nWe need "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"the creature"},{"insert":".\nThese effects put the appropriate donation directly into the graveyard.\nThat's enormously important because the Bullies already provide the reanimation half of the equation.\nWe don't need:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Tutor creature → put in hand → find discard outlet → discard creature → activate Bullies."},{"insert":"\nWe want:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Put creature directly in graveyard → donate."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Fewer moving pieces.\nMore efficient cruelty.\n\n🃏 FAITHLESS LOOTING / DEMAND ANSWERS / THRILL OF POSSIBILITY"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Sometimes we draw our payloads.\nThat's annoying.\nThese cards turn that problem into setup.\nDraw cards.\nDiscard:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Eater of Days."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Hellcarver Demon."},{"insert":"\nNow the card that was awkwardly stuck in our hand is exactly where we wanted it.\nThat's why discard isn't a cost in this deck.\nIt's warehouse management."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🔥 ANGER"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"EXPEDITED PROCESSING"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Anger is another card we're perfectly happy putting into the graveyard.\nWith the appropriate Mountain available, haste makes our own creatures immediately useful.\nMost importantly, it helps make "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"The Beamtown Bullies themselves"},{"insert":" operational faster instead of forcing us to cast our commander and pray they survive an entire rotation.\nOur commander is the distribution network.\nGetting that network online quickly matters."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🔄 UNTAP THE BULLIES"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"EXPANDED DELIVERY HOURS"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"This is where the deck goes from funny to gross.\nThe Bullies have to tap to make a donation.\nSo we run:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Seedborn Muse"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Magewright's Stone"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Thousand-Year Elixir"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Patriar's Seal"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Sting, the Glinting Dagger"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Thornbite Staff"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Seeker of Skybreak"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Quest for Renewal"},{"insert":"\nUntap the commander?\nMake another donation."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The dream is no longer:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"One gift per rotation."},{"insert":"\nIt's:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player A's turn → delivery."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player B's turn → delivery."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player C's turn → delivery."},{"insert":"\nBeamtown does not observe normal business hours.\n\n🌱 SEEDBORN MUSE ⭐"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"24/7 CUSTOMER SERVICE"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Seedborn Muse is one of our three Game Changers for a reason.\nUntapping our permanents on every other player's untap step is ridiculous with the Bullies.\nIt lets us potentially activate our commander during multiple turns around the table.\nThat means the graveyard can go from:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"warehouse"},{"insert":"\nto\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Amazon fulfillment center for fucking nightmares."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Protect Seedborn when the payoff is meaningful.\n\n🗑️ DESPOTIC SCEPTER"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"PRODUCT RECALL"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Despotic Scepter destroys a permanent "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"we own"},{"insert":".\nThat's normally weird.\nBut the creatures we donate?\nWe still own them."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"So Scepter gives us control over our own donated merchandise while it's sitting on somebody else's battlefield.\nSometimes we don't want to wait until the Bullies' delayed exile trigger.\nSometimes the product needs to be recalled.\nImmediately.\n\n🛡️ PROTECT THE DISTRIBUTION NETWORK"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Once the table understands what our commander does:\nThe Bullies are going to get targeted."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"We therefore run:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Lightning Greaves"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Swiftfoot Boots"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Heroic Intervention"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Deflecting Swat"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Saryth, the Viper's Fang"},{"insert":"\nand other interaction.\nDon't casually burn protection on a random support creature.\nIf losing the Bullies means our entire warehouse stops functioning, protect the commander.\n\n⭐ GAME CHANGERS — 3/3"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The deck deliberately stops at exactly three.\n⭐ Seedborn Muse"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Turns one activation per rotation into potentially several.\n⭐ Demonic Tutor"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Find whatever piece we're missing.\nNeed Buried Alive?\nFind it.\nNeed protection?\nFind it.\nNeed an untapper?\nFind it.\nNeed Leveler because Kevin has been enjoying the game for too long?\nFind it."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"⭐ Deflecting Swat"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Protect the Bullies and turn targeted interaction into somebody else's problem.\nThat's our "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"3/3"},{"insert":".\nNo need to jam every premium Game Changer available.\n\n🛡️ INTERACTION"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"We aren't completely dependent on the gimmick.\nWe still have:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Assassin's Trophy"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Beast Within"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Chaos Warp"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Terminate"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Bitter Triumph"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Rakdos Charm"},{"insert":"\nplus sweepers:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Blasphemous Act"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Toxic Deluge"},{"insert":"\nOur interaction philosophy is simple:\nRemove what stops the delivery."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Graveyard hate?\nKill it.\nSomething preventing activated abilities?\nKill it.\nSomeone about to win?\nDeal with it.\nRandom value creature?\nWe probably have more important business.\n\n🪦 LIVING DEATH"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"WAREHOUSE CLEARANCE EVENT"},{"attributes":{"header":2},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Living Death is extremely powerful, but it requires care.\nWe're deliberately filling our graveyard with creatures.\nThat makes mass reanimation attractive.\nBut remember:\nSome of our creatures are fucking terrible for us to control."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Leveler is a perfect example.\nYou do "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"not"},{"insert":" want to casually Living Death your own Leveler onto your battlefield and discover that the donation company has accidentally shipped the package to headquarters.\nInspect the graveyards.\nUnderstand exactly what is coming back.\nThen decide whether Living Death is brilliant or catastrophic.\n\n💰 RAMP"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The Bullies cost four mana, and the deck wants mana available for setup, protection and untap effects.\nWe run:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Sol Ring"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Arcane Signet"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Talisman of Indulgence"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Talisman of Resilience"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Talisman of Impulse"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Birds of Paradise"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Ignoble Hierarch"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Deathrite Shaman"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Nature's Lore"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Three Visits"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Farseek"},{"insert":"\nWe want the Bullies online quickly.\nBut ideally:\nDon't cast them naked."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"If possible, have haste/protection or an immediate activation plan.\nEveryone becomes much less friendly after they've read Leveler.\n\n🖐️ MULLIGAN GUIDE"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"A strong hand usually contains:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"2–3 lands"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"+ ramp"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"+ graveyard setup"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"+ protection or an untap engine"},{"insert":"\nExcellent:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Land"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Land"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Land"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Birds of Paradise"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Faithless Looting"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Lightning Greaves"},{"insert":"\nBeautiful.\nLooting puts Leveler into the graveyard.\nRamp helps cast Bullies.\nGreaves gets them operational.\nBad hand:"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Three lands.\nLeveler.\nEater of Days.\nHellcarver Demon.\nSoulgorger Orgg.\nLooks hilarious.\nDoes absolutely nothing.\nMulligan."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The payload belongs in the warehouse, not your opening hand.\n\n🌱 EARLY GAME — BUILD THE DISTRIBUTION CENTER"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Turns 1–3 are about:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Ramp"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Looting/discard"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"putting payloads into the graveyard"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"deploying protection/untap infrastructure"},{"insert":"\nDon't make yourself the archenemy before the commander even arrives.\nA Faithless Looting quietly putting Leveler into the graveyard is enough.\nWe don't need to announce:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"ATTENTION EVERYONE, I'M ABOUT TO DELETE SOMEBODY'S LIBRARY.\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Let them discover the promotional program organically.\n\n🎁 MIDGAME — BEGIN DISTRIBUTION"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Once the Bullies are online, stop thinking like a normal reanimator deck.\nAsk:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Who gets what?"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Player with tiny graveyard?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Inverter."},{"insert":"\nPlayer about to take over the game?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Eater of Days."},{"insert":"\nPlayer vulnerable to empty-library death?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler."},{"insert":"\nPlayer we can immediately finish after reducing them to one?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Soulgorger Orgg."},{"insert":"\nSometimes the best donation isn't the most powerful creature.\nIt's the creature that is "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"most catastrophic for that specific opponent at that specific moment."},{"insert":"\n\n☢️ LATE GAME — EXPAND OPERATIONS"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"By now we want:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"multiple payloads in the graveyard"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Bullies protected"},{"insert":"\nand ideally:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"an untap engine."},{"insert":"\nThis is where Seedborn Muse, Magewright's Stone, Thousand-Year Elixir and the rest become oppressive.\nStop thinking:\n\"What value can I generate?\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Start thinking:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"\"How many opponents can I functionally remove from this game before my next turn?\""},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"If one player has no library, another is skipping two turns, and the third is at one life:\nQuarterly earnings have exceeded expectations."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🎯 THREAT ASSESSMENT"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The deck's strength is that different donations attack completely different resources.\nLEVELER"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks the library.\nINVERTER"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks library size based on graveyard state.\nEATER OF DAYS"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks turns themselves.\nSOULGORGER ORGG"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks life total.\nHELLCARVER DEMON"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks hand and battlefield through combat.\nBRONZE BOMBSHELL"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Attacks life directly.\nDon't simply donate the funniest card.\nDonate the card that attacks the resource your opponent cannot afford to lose."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n🏆 HOW WE WIN"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"1. Leveler"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Delete the library and force the opponent toward an empty-library loss.\n2. Inverter of Truth"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Turn a tiny graveyard into a tiny library and let normal draws finish the job.\n3. Eater of Days"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Remove critical turns and let the rest of the table—or our other donations—capitalize.\n4. Soulgorger Orgg"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Drop someone to one and kill them before the refund arrives.\n5. Forced Combat"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Hellcarver Demon, Ebonblade Reaper and other combat payloads turn goad into a weapon.\n6. Attrition"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Repeated Bullies activations eventually create game states opponents simply cannot recover from.\nNo infinite combo required.\n\n🚫 WHAT WE INTENTIONALLY DON'T DO"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"No intentional infinites."},{"insert":"\nNo Worldgorger Dragon loops.\nNo deterministic cEDH combo package.\nWe're pushing the deck to the ceiling of Bracket 3 by maximizing:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"graveyard consistency"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"commander activations"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"protection"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"untapping"},{"insert":"\nand\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"the quality of our malicious donations."},{"insert":"\nWe don't need infinity.\nLeveler already says enough."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Yep — it cut off right as we got to the punchline. 😂 Here’s the "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"ending from “The Golden Rule” onward"},{"insert":" so you can paste it directly onto the primer:\n\n🎁 THE GOLDEN RULE"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Whenever you're deciding what to do, ask:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"“WHO NEEDS WHAT THE LEAST?”"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Tiny graveyard?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Give them Inverter of Truth."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"No way to recover from an empty library?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Give them Leveler."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"About to have the most important turn of their game?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Give them Eater of Days."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Can the table immediately capitalize on someone dropping to one life?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Give them Soulgorger Orgg."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Have a player who absolutely cannot afford Hellcarver Demon connecting?\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"You know what to deliver."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"That's the entire philosophy of "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Unsolicited Donations"},{"insert":".\nWe're not trying to find the objectively strongest creature in our graveyard.\nWe're trying to find the creature that is "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"most catastrophic for the specific person receiving it."},{"insert":"\n\n📋 TERMS & CONDITIONS"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Every donation comes with a few simple conditions:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"1. Recipient selection is entirely at Beamtown's discretion."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"2. Donations may contain catastrophic ETB abilities."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"3. Products may be goaded and required to participate in combat."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"4. Skipped turns will not be reimbursed."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"5. Exiled libraries cannot be returned."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"6. Life-total reductions may be temporary unless the recipient dies before the refund period."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"7. Beamtown assumes no responsibility for lost hands, permanents, libraries, turns, friendships, or dignity."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"8. All donations are unsolicited."},{"insert":"\n\n📦 FINAL PILOTING GUIDE"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The deck can be condensed into four stages:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"1. STOCK THE WAREHOUSE"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Ramp.\nLoot.\nEntomb.\nBuried Alive.\nGet the horrible creatures "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"out of your hand and into your graveyard."},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"2. OPEN THE DISTRIBUTION CENTER"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Cast The Beamtown Bullies.\nPreferably give them haste or protect them so you're not asking the table to kindly leave your commander alone for an entire rotation.\nThe Bullies are the engine.\nKeep the engine alive."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"3. MATCH THE PRODUCT TO THE CUSTOMER"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Don't blindly donate Leveler every game.\nRead the table.\nLook at:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Libraries"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Graveyards"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Life totals"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Board states"},{"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Upcoming turns"},{"insert":"\nThen choose the donation that attacks the resource that player can least afford to lose.\nThat's where the deck becomes genuinely powerful instead of merely funny.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"4. EXPAND DELIVERY OPERATIONS"},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Once the Bullies are established:\nUntap them."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"Seedborn Muse.\nMagewright's Stone.\nThousand-Year Elixir.\nPatriar's Seal.\nSting.\nThornbite Staff.\nQuest for Renewal.\nOne activation is funny.\nMultiple activations around the table are where "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Unsolicited Donations"},{"insert":" becomes disgusting.\nEventually the game starts looking like:\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player A:"},{"insert":" No library.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player B:"},{"insert":" Skipping two turns.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Player C:"},{"insert":" Currently at one life.\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"You:"},{"insert":" Filling out another shipping label.\n\n🎁 FINAL NOTES"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"The funniest part about this deck is that it sounds almost friendly when you explain the commander.\n"},{"attributes":{"italic":true},"insert":"“Basically, I put creatures from my graveyard onto other people's battlefields.”"},{"attributes":{"blockquote":true},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"That sounds like group hug.\nThat sounds generous.\nThat sounds downright wholesome.\nThen somebody reads "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Leveler"},{"insert":".\nThen somebody receives "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"Eater of Days"},{"insert":".\nThen somebody asks why their life total suddenly says "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"1"},{"insert":".\nAnd eventually everyone realizes:\nThese aren't gifts."},{"attributes":{"header":3},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"They're weapons with gift receipts.\nThe Beamtown Bullies aren't a reanimator commander.\nThey're a "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"delivery service"},{"insert":".\nThe graveyard isn't a graveyard.\nIt's a "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"warehouse"},{"insert":".\nBuried Alive isn't a tutor.\nIt's "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"inventory management"},{"insert":".\nSeedborn Muse isn't an untap engine.\nIt's "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"extended business hours"},{"insert":".\nAnd your opponents aren't opponents.\nThey're:\n\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"VALUED RECIPIENTS."},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"So stock the warehouse.\nProtect the distribution center.\nChoose the appropriate recipient.\nPrint the shipping label.\nAnd remember:\n\n🎁 "},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"ALL DONATIONS ARE FINAL."},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"NO CONSENT REQUIRED."},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"attributes":{"bold":true},"insert":"WELCOME TO UNSOLICITED DONATIONS."},{"insert":" 💀📦"},{"attributes":{"header":1},"insert":"\n"},{"insert":"\n\n"}]}