Surgeon General Commander

Whenever you augment, enchant, or mutate a creature you control, draw a card.
{T}: Add {W}, {U}, {B}, {R}, or {G}.

Gerrymandering

Exile all lands. Give each player a number of those cards chosen at random equal to the number of those cards the player controlled. Each player returns those cards to the battlefield under their control.

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

Cheap Ass

Cheatyface

If Cheatyface is in your hand, you may sneak Cheatyface onto the battlefield. If an opponent catches you right away, that player may exile Cheatyface.
Flying

Eye to Eye

You and target creature's controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.

Clowning Around

Create two 1/1 white Clown Robot artifact creature tokens, then roll a six-sided die. If the result is equal to or less than the number of Robots you control, create a 1/1 white Clown Robot artifact creature token.

Get Your Head in the Game

Flash
When Get Your Head in the Game enters, exile target nonland permanent until it (this card) leaves the battlefield, then touch it (this card) to your head. When it (this card) stops touching it (your head), sacrifice it (the card, not your head).

Zzzyxas's Abyss

At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy all nonland permanents with the first name alphabetically among nonland permanents.

Yet Another Aether Vortex

All creatures have haste.
Players play with the top card of their libraries revealed.
Noninstant, nonsorcery cards on top of a library are on the battlefield under their owner's control in addition to being in that library.

Land Aid '04

Search your library for a basic land card, put that card onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.

Who // What // When // Where // Why

My First Tome

{1}, {T}: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card's name. You may reveal that card. If you do and they guessed wrong, you draw a card.

"Ach! Hans, Run!"

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say "Ach! Hans, run! It's the . . ." and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Amateur Auteur

Sacrifice Amateur Auteur: Destroy target enchantment.

Bosom Buddy

Whenever you cast a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell's name.

Lexivore

Whenever Lexivore deals damage to a player, destroy target permanent other than Lexivore with the most lines of text in its text box. (If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)

Park Re-Entry

Return up to two target creature cards that each have a hat and/or mana value 3 or less from your graveyard to the battlefield.

Blurry Beeble

Blurry (This creature can be blocked only if defending player was wearing glasses as it was cast.)
Whenever Blurry Beeble deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.

B.O.B. (Bevy of Beebles)

As B.O.B. enters, create four 1/1 blue Beeble creature tokens.
The number of loyalty counters on B.O.B. is equal to the number of Beebles you control. (Create or sacrifice Beebles whenever B.O.B. gains or loses loyalty.)
+1: Up to X target Beebles can't be blocked this turn, where X is the number of cards in your hand.
−1: Draw a card.

Stack of Paperwork

When Stack of Paperwork enters, draw a card.
Combat damage uses the stack. (Combat damage assignment can be responded to before damage is dealt.)

You're in Command

Choose target creature you own and control. That creature becomes your commander. Any other commanders you have are no longer your commander. (That creature starts with a commander tax of {0}.)

Form of the Mulldrifter

When Form of the Mulldrifter enters, draw two cards.
You may cast creature cards from your hand as though they were the card Mulldrifter. (You can still evoke this way. They're Mulldrifters.)

Crow Storm

Create a 1/2 blue Bird creature token with flying named Storm Crow.
Storm (When you cast this spell, copy it for each spell cast before it this turn.)

Loopy Lobster

Four-faced (Whenever this becomes tapped, move it to the next stage, or to stage 1 if it's at stage 4.)
Stage 1 — (1/4)
Stage 2 — (4/1) Evolve
Stage 3 — (2/4) {U}: Loopy Lobster gets +1/-1 until end of turn.
Stage 4 — (4/4) Vigilance. {T}: Draw 2 cards.

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

Six-Sided Die

Choose target creature. Roll a six-sided die.
1 — It has base toughness 1 until end of turn.
2 — Put two -1/-1 counters on it.
3 — Six-Sided Die deals 3 damage to it and you gain 3 life.
4 — It gets -4/-4 until end of turn.
5 — Destroy it.
6 — Exile it.

Treacherous Trapezist

Flying
Whenever you cast an alliterative spell, scry 2. (Anything with two or more capitalized words in its name that begin with the same letter is alliterative.)
Other alliterative creatures you control have flying.

Spy Eye

Flying
Whenever Spy Eye deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card from that player's library.

Transcantation

Target instant or sorcery spell becomes a copy of Lightning Bolt. Its controller may choose new targets for it.

Growth Charm

Choose one —
• Rampant Growth
• Giant Growth
• Regrowth

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Gray Merchant of Alphabet

When Gray Merchant of Alphabet enters, choose a letter. For each creature you control that has the chosen letter in its name, you gain 1 life and each opponent loses 1 life.

Kill! Destroy!

Destroy target nonblack creature.
Gotcha — If an opponent says "kill" or "destroy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Kill! Destroy! from your graveyard to your hand.

Attempted Murder

Choose target creature. Roll X six-sided dice. For each even result, put two -1/-1 counters on that creature. For each odd result, create a 1/2 blue Bird creature token with flying named Storm Crow.

Deadhead

{0}: Return Deadhead from your graveyard to the battlefield. Activate only if an opponent isn't touching their hand (of cards).

Scooch

Add or subtract 1 from target creature's power, target player's life total, or target die roll's result.
Draw a card.

Devil K. Nevil

Haste
When Devil K. Nevil enters, jump it over any number of creatures. If it clears those creatures, put that many +1/+1 counters on it. (You can see a jumping demonstration at DevilKNevil.com.)

Spellmorph Raise Dead

Return target creature card from your graveyard to your hand.
Spellmorph {B} (You may cast this card face down as a 2/2 creature for {3}. Cast it any time for its spellmorph cost.)

Urza, Academy Headmaster

+1: Head to AskUrza.com and click +1.
−1: Head to AskUrza.com and click -1.
−6: Head to AskUrza.com and click -6.

Goblin Tutor

Roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.
2 — A card named Goblin Tutor
3 — An enchantment
4 — An artifact
5 — A creature
6 — An instant or sorcery

Red Herring

{1}{U}: Exchange Red Herring from your hand with a permanent you control on the battlefield or a spell you control on the stack. If that permanent or spell was the target of a spell or ability, change that target to Red Herring.

Alpha Guard

When Alpha Guard enters, choose a letter.
{T}: Untap another target permanent whose name starts with the chosen letter.

Mana Abundance

If a player would add mana, instead all players add that mana.

Siege Elemental

Trample
Untapped creatures can't block.
Tapped creatures can block.

Bucket List

Whenever you cast a spell of a type showing on Bucket List, put a counter over that type and draw a card. If all five types on Bucket List have counters over them, sacrifice it and draw one more card.
☐ artifact ☐ creature ☐ enchantment ☐ instant ☐ sorcery

Jack-in-the-Mox

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect.
1 — Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life.
2 — Add {W}.
3 — Add {U}.
4 — Add {B}.
5 — Add {R}.
6 — Add {G}.

Generated Horizons

At the beginning of your upkeep, create a Forest land token.

Spelling Bee

Flying, deathtouch
Whenever Spelling Bee deals combat damage to a player, that player looks at the top card of your library and chooses a word on that card. You spell that word. If you spell it correctly, draw a card. Otherwise, scry 1.

Killer Cosplay

Whenever Killer Cosplay becomes attached to a creature, choose a creature card name with an identical mana cost. That creature becomes a copy of the card with the chosen name until Killer Cosplay becomes unattached from it.
Equip {3}

Name Dropping

Gotcha — If an opponent says a word that's in the name of a card in your graveyard, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return that card to your hand.

Claire D'Loon, Joy Sculptor

When Claire D'Loon, Joy Sculptor enters, for the rest of the game, tokens you own become cards that are still tokens. (They continue to exist after they leave the battlefield.)
{1}{W}{U}, {T}: You may put a token from your graveyard or hand onto the battlefield.

Personal Decoy

Personal Decoy enters with a number of loyalty counters on it equal to your life total. If it would leave the battlefield, exile it instead of putting it anywhere else. You can't be attacked.
+1: You gain 1 life.
−4: Draw a card.

Bind

Counter target activated ability. (Mana abilities can't be targeted.)
Draw a card.

Liberate

Exile target creature you control. Return that card to the battlefield under its owner's control at the beginning of the next end step.

Bind // Liberate

Chronobot

When Chronobot enters, switch upkeep steps with target opponent for as long as it remains on the battlefield. (You take your upkeep on their turn, and they take their upkeep on your turn.)

Sword of Dungeons & Dragons

Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has protection from Rogues and from Clerics.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, create a 4/4 gold Dragon creature token with flying and roll a d20 (a twenty-sided die). If you roll a 20, repeat this process.
Equip {2}

Smelt

Destroy target creature. Its controller creates two 1/2 red Half creature tokens.

Smelt // Herd // Saw

Unicycle

First strike, haste
Equipped creature has first strike and haste.
Equip {1}
Crew 1

Park Map

{1}, Sacrifice Park Map: Search your library for a land card that doesn't have the same art as a permanent you control, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.

Standard Procedure

{1}, Reveal Standard Procedure from your hand: Choose an instant or sorcery card with mana value 3 or less currently legal in the Standard format. Standard Procedure becomes that card until end of turn.

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