Maro

Maro's power and toughness are each equal to the number of cards in your hand.

Conjured Currency

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may exchange control of Conjured Currency and target permanent you neither own nor control.

Smart Ass

Whenever Smart Ass attacks, choose a card name. If defending player has no cards with the chosen name in their hand, they may reveal their hand. If they don't reveal their hand, Smart Ass can't be blocked this turn.

Fat Ass

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Urza, Academy Headmaster

+1: Head to AskUrza.com and click +1.
−1: Head to AskUrza.com and click -1.
−6: Head to AskUrza.com and click -6.

Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar

As long as you've discarded a card this turn, you may pay {B/R} to cast this spell.
When Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar enters, you may search your library for a card named The Underworld Cookbook, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.
Sacrifice two Foods: Target creature deals 6 damage to itself.

Necropotence

Skip your draw step.
Whenever you discard a card, exile that card from your graveyard.
Pay 1 life: Exile the top card of your library face down. Put that card into your hand at the beginning of your next end step.

Dumb Ass

At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.

Assquatch

Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½.
Whenever another Donkey enters, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.

Bad Ass

Word of Command

Look at target opponent's hand and choose a card from it. You control that player until Word of Command finishes resolving. The player plays that card if able. While doing so, the player can activate mana abilities only if they're from lands that player controls and only if mana they produce is spent to activate other mana abilities of lands the player controls and/or to play that card. If the chosen card is cast as a spell, you control the player while that spell is resolving.

Quarum Trench Gnomes

{T}: If target Plains is tapped for mana, it produces colorless mana instead of white mana. (This effect lasts indefinitely.)

Last-Minute Chopping

Ask target opponent if they remembered to get you a present. If they say yes, they put a card they own from outside the game into your hand. Otherwise, you gain control of target permanent they control.

Barroom Brawl

Target creature you control fights target creature the opponent to your left controls. Then that player may copy this spell and may choose new targets for the copy.