Artful Looter

{T}: Draw a card, then discard a card.
Whenever a permanent that shares an artist with another permanent you control enters, untap Artful Looter.

Octo Opus

When Octo Opus enters, create a 4/4 blue Octopus Performer creature token named Contortionist with "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may fold this token in half." (It becomes 2/2, then 1/1, ½/½, and so on.)
Sacrifice Octo Opus: Draw a card and an additional card for each of Contortionist's folds.

Fraction Jackson

{G}, {T}: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand.

Incoming!

Each player searches their library for any number of artifact, creature, enchantment, and/or land cards, puts them onto the battlefield, then shuffles.

Hoisted Hireling

Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Bronze Calendar

Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast.
You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice.
When you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice Bronze Calendar.

Stone-Cold Basilisk

Whenever Stone-Cold Basilisk blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with fewer letters in its name, destroy that creature at end of combat. (Punctuation and spaces aren't letters.)
Whenever an opponent reads Stone-Cold Basilisk, that player is turned to stone until end of turn. Stoned players can't attack, block, cast spells, or activate abilities.

Handcuffs

As Handcuffs enters, choose a player.
When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents.

Bosom Buddy

Whenever you cast a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell's name.

Frankie Peanuts

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.

Ladies' Knight

Flying
Spells cast by players wearing at least one item of women's clothing cost {1} less to cast. (You can define women's clothing as you see fit. Be reasonable.)

Blue Ribbon

When Blue Ribbon enters, ask a person outside the game which creature you control is most deserving of a blue ribbon. Attach Blue Ribbon to that creature.
Equipped creature has best in show. (Whenever another creature becomes the target of a spell or ability you control, you may copy that spell or ability. If you do, the copy targets this creature.)
Equip {3}

Goblin Cruciverbalist

Haste
When Goblin Cruciverbalist enters, create a colorless artifact token named your choice of A, E, I, O, or U.
Whenever Goblin Cruciverbalist attacks, using the first letters of the names of permanents you control, spell a word you haven't spelled this game. It gets +1/+0 until end of turn for each letter in that word.

Squirrel Dealer

When Squirrel Dealer enters, ask a person outside the game "Do you like Squirrels?" If they do, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token.

Frazzled Editor

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)

Ol' Buzzbark

When Ol' Buzzbark enters, roll X six-sided dice onto the battlefield from a height of at least X inches. For each die, put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to the result on each creature you control that die is touching. For each die, Ol' Buzzbark deals damage equal to the result to each creature an opponent controls that die is touching.

Standing Army

As long as you're standing, Standing Army has vigilance.

Exchange of Words

When Exchange of Words enters, choose two target creatures. For as long as Exchange of Words remains on the battlefield, exchange the text boxes of those creatures.

Atinlay Igpay

Oubleday ikestray
Enwhay ouyay eakspay ay onnay-igpay-atinlay ordway, acrificesay Atinlay Igpay.

Gus enters with a +1/+1 counter on it for each Magic game you have lost to one of your opponents since you last won a game against them.

Ashnod's Coupon

{T}, Sacrifice Ashnod's Coupon: Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink.

Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike, trample
Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say "I'm coming, too!" If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice.

Knight of the Hokey Pokey

First strike
{1}{W}, Do the Hokey Pokey: Prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to Knight of the Hokey Pokey this turn. (To do the Hokey Pokey, choose an arm, a leg, or your whole self and put it in. Put it out. Put it in. Shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey! Turn yourself around.)

Subcontract

A person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a nonland card from it. That player discards that card.

Clay Pigeon

Flying
{1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feet above your head while seated: If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand, prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to you this turn and tap Clay Pigeon. Otherwise, sacrifice it.

Look at Me, I'm the DCI

Ban a card other than a basic land card for the rest of the match. (All cards with that name in any zone or sideboard are removed from the match.)

Bar Entry

Choose one —
• Destroy target creature with power 4 or greater.
• Destroy target creature with any part of its head higher than the bar. (Align the tops of both cards to check.)

Chaos Confetti

{4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the battlefield from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each permanent that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game.

Bag Check

Counter target spell, then ask a person outside the game if that spell looks dangerous to them. If they say yes, draw a card, then discard a card.

City of Ass

City of Ass enters tapped.
{T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color.

Booster Tutor

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of them into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)

It Came from Planet Glurg

You may have It Came from Planet Glurg enter as a copy of X different creatures on the battlefield. (It has their total power, total toughness, combined mana costs, all text boxes, names, art, and so on.)

Rings a Bell

As Rings a Bell enters, choose a word with four or more letters.
After you say the chosen word for the first time each turn, an opponent may ring or imitate a bell within five seconds. When no opponent does, draw a card.

Dumb Ass

At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.

Side Quest

Target player in an Un-game you can see from your seat gains control of target creature you control until your next turn. At the beginning of your next upkeep, put two +1/+1 counters on that creature. (A creature is on the battlefield of only the game its controller is playing.)

Surprise Party

When Surprise Party enters, yell "Surprise!" and put onto the battlefield any number of printed Clown Robot tokens that aren't touching each other, that you hid on the battlefield before you cast Surprise Party, and that weren't spotted by an opponent before you cast Surprise Party.
Robots you control get +1/+0 and have vigilance.

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Baron Von Count

Baron Von Count enters with a doom counter on "5."
Whenever you cast a spell with the indicated numeral in its mana cost, text box, power, or toughness, move the doom counter one numeral to the left.
When the doom counter moves from "1," destroy target player and put that doom counter on "5."

Mother of Goons

Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies, sacrifice Mother of Goons unless you insult that creature.

Mine, Mine, Mine!

When Mine, Mine, Mine! enters, each player puts their library into their hand.
Players have no maximum hand size and don't lose the game for drawing from an empty library.
Each player can't cast more than one spell each turn.
When Mine, Mine, Mine! leaves the battlefield, each player shuffles their hand and graveyard into their library.

Hot Fix

You have ten seconds to look at and rearrange the cards in your library. At the end of those ten seconds, if you're touching one or more of those cards, shuffle.

Mox Lotus

{T}: Add {∞}.
{100}: Add one mana of any color.

Magical Hacker

{U}: Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror enters tapped.
{7}, {T}, Sacrifice Mirror Mirror: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards.

_____

{1}: This card's name becomes the card name of your choice. Activate anywhere, anytime.

Cheap Ass

Richard Garfield, Ph.D.

You may play cards as though they were other cards of your choice with the same mana cost. You can't choose the same card twice. (Mana cost includes color.)

Defective Detective

Defective Detective can't be blocked.
When Defective Detective enters, a person outside the game looks at target opponent's hand and chooses a card from it. That player reveals that card.

Side to Side

You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token.

Graveyard Busybody

All graveyards are also your graveyards.
Graveyard Busybody's power and toughness are each equal to the number of cards with flavor text in your graveyards.

Knight of the Kitchen Sink

First strike, protection from loose lips (Nothing with an open mouth in its artwork can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Hat Trick

Target blocking or blocked creature you control gets +1/+1 and gains first strike until end of turn. If it has a hat, it gains double strike until end of turn. If you and that creature each have a hat, the creature gains triple strike until end of turn.

Hangman

As Hangman enters, secretly note a word with six to eight letters.
{1}: Target player who doesn't control Hangman guesses the noted word or an unguessed letter in that word. If they guess wrong, put a +1/+1 counter on Hangman. Any player may activate this ability.
When a player guesses the noted word or all of its letters, sacrifice Hangman.

Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Keeper of the Sacred Word

As Keeper of the Sacred Word enters, choose a word.
Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.

Boomstacker

As Boomstacker enters and whenever it attacks, stack two dice on top of it. (All dice must be stacked vertically, one on top of another.)
Boomstacker gets +1/+1 for each die in its stack.
Boomstacker attacks each combat if able.
When the stack falls, sacrifice Boomstacker.

Drawn Together

As Drawn Together enters, choose an artist.
Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Nearby Planet

Rangeling (This card is every land type, including Plains, Island, Swamp, Mountain, Forest, Desert, Gate, Lair, Locus, and all those Urza's ones.)
Nearby Planet enters tapped.
When Nearby Planet enters, sacrifice it unless you pay {1}.

Summon the Pack

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put all creature cards revealed this way onto the battlefield under your control. They're Zombies in addition to their other types. (Remove those cards from your deck before beginning a new game.)

More or Less

Add or subtract 1 or one from a number or number word on target spell or permanent until end of turn.

Spelling Bee

Flying, deathtouch
Whenever Spelling Bee deals combat damage to a player, that player looks at the top card of your library and chooses a word on that card. You spell that word. If you spell it correctly, draw a card. Otherwise, scry 1.

B-I-N-G-O

Trample
Whenever a player casts a spell, put a chip counter on its mana value.
B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.

Assquatch

Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½.
Whenever another Donkey enters, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.

Better Than One

A person outside the game becomes your teammate. (Choose any number of cards in your hand, on top of your library, or on the battlefield under your control. Those cards become your teammate's hand, library, and permanents, respectively.)

capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Phyrexian Librarian

Flying, trample
At the beginning of your upkeep, exile the top card of your library and balance it on your body.
When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.

Creature Guy

Gotcha — If an opponent says "creature" or "guy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice I'm Rubber, You're Glue.
Say "I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you": Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you.

Head to Head

You and target opponent play Seven Questions with the top card of that player's library. If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice. (To play Seven Questions, that player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that they answer truthfully. You guess the card's name—that's question seven—then the player reveals the card.)

Acornelia, Fashionable Filcher

Whenever you cast a spell with a squirrel in its art, you get {A} (an acorn counter).
Whenever a Squirrel you control enters or dies, you get {A}.
{2}{B}, Pay X {A}: Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn.
{G}, Pay X {A}: Target creature gets +X/+X until end of turn.

Clocknapper

When Clocknapper enters, choose beginning phase, first main phase, combat phase, postcombat main phase, or ending phase. Steal that phase from target player during their next turn. (That phase occurs as though it's your turn instead.)

Miss Demeanor

Flying, first strike
At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on their game play. If you don't, sacrifice Miss Demeanor.

Punctuate

Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature's text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ? , ; : - — ( ) / " " ' ' & .)

Spark Fiend

When Spark Fiend enters, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 2, 3, or 12, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you rolled 7 or 11, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. If you rolled any other total, note that total.
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll two six-sided dice. If you rolled 7, sacrifice Spark Fiend. If you roll the noted total, don't roll dice for Spark Fiend during any of your following upkeeps. Otherwise, do nothing.

Letter Bomb

When Letter Bomb enters, sign it and shuffle it into target player's library. That player reveals each card they draw until they draw Letter Bomb. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to them.

Man of Measure

As long as you're shorter than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +0/+1 and has first strike.
As long as you're taller than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +1/+0.

Question Elemental?

Did you know this creature has flying?
Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, they gain control of Question Elemental?

Mesa Chicken

Stand up, Flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: Mesa Chicken gains flying until end of turn.

Alexander Clamilton

Whenever you cast a wordy spell, scry 2. (A spell is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)
{1}{R}, {T}: Choose target creature you don't control. Reveal the top card of your library. Alexander Clamilton gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the number of lines of rules text of the revealed card. Alexander Clamilton fights that creature.

Phoebe, Head of S.N.E.A.K.

Phoebe, Head of S.N.E.A.K. can't be blocked by creatures with flavor text.
{2}{U}{B}: Phoebe permanently steals target creature's text box. (That creature loses all rules text, flavor text, and watermarks. This creature gains them.)

Blufferfish

{3}{U}: An opponent tells you a statement about themselves and secretly notes whether it's true or false. You guess which it is. If you guessed correctly, Blufferfish gets +2/+0 and can't be blocked this turn.

Exit Through the Grift Shop

Yell "Who wants a souvenir?" and announce the name of a nonland card in your graveyard. Each player in an Un-game who can hear you may bid life. You start the bidding at 0. The high bidder loses life equal to the high bid. They copy the card and may cast the copy without paying its mana cost. If you didn't win the bid, you gain life equal to the high bid and create that many Treasure tokens.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Pietra, Crafter of Clowns

Haste
Robots you control get +1/+1.
{R}{W}, {T}, Tell a joke you haven't told this game to someone outside the game: Create a 1/1 white Clown Robot artifact creature token. If that person laughed, the token gains haste until end of turn.

Emcee

Whenever another creature enters, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice, "Presenting . . . " and that creature's name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.

Spirit of the Season

When Spirit of the Season enters, it gains haste if it's summer. Put a +1/+1 counter on it if it's autumn. You gain 5 life if it's winter. If it's spring, search your library for a basic land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.

Johnny, Combo Player

{4}: Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, then shuffle.

Our Market Research Shows That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made this Card to Have the Absolute Longest Card Name Ever Elemental

Art rampage 2 (Whenever this creature becomes blocked by a creature, it gets +2/+2 for each creature in the blocker's art beyond the first.)

Look at Me, I'm R&D

As Look at Me, I'm R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number.
All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.

Infernius Spawnington III, Esq.

Flying, first strike, trample, haste
This spell costs {3} less to cast for each card you've revealed this turn.
When Infernius Spawnington III, Esq. enters, you may say "I'm here." If you do, it deals 3 damage to target player.

A Real Handful

As long as one or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it gets +2/+2.
As long as two or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it has menace.
As long as three or more hands are touching A Real Handful, it has lifelink.

Entirely Normal Armchair

During your turn, if Entirely Normal Armchair is in your hand, you may hide it on the battlefield.
{0}: Return Entirely Normal Armchair to its owner's hand. Only your opponents may activate this ability and only if they see Entirely Normal Armchair.
{2}, Sacrifice Entirely Normal Armchair: Destroy target attacking creature.

Super-Duper Lost

Put target creature into its owner's library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the number of doors you can see from your seat.

Charm School

As Charm School enters, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.
When Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.

S.N.O.T.

You may have S.N.O.T. enter stuck to another creature named S.N.O.T. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature.
S.N.O.T.'s power and toughness are each equal to the square of the number of cards named S.N.O.T. stuck together to form it. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9, and four are a 16/16. If you manage to get -1 S.N.O.T.s stuck together, it's a 1/1.)

Syr Cadian, Knight Owl

Knightlifelink (Damage dealt by Knights you control also causes you to gain that much life.)
{W}: Syr Cadian, Knight Owl gains vigilance until end of turn. Activate only from sunrise to sunset.
{B}: Syr Cadian, Knight Owl gains flying until end of turn. Activate only from sunset to sunrise.

Rocket-Powered Turbo Slug

Super haste (This may attack the turn before you cast it. (You may put this card from your hand onto the battlefield tapped and attacking during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the beginning of your next turn's end step unless you pay this card's mana cost during that turn.))

Farewell to Arms

As Farewell to Arms enters, choose a hand attached to an opponent's arm.
When the chosen hand isn't behind its owner's back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards their hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn't let us do it the other way.)

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

Gobsmacked

Enchant nonland permanent
As Gobsmacked enters, choose a person outside the game.
As long as you can see the chosen person from your seat, enchanted permanent can't attack or block, and its activated abilities can't be activated.

"Ach! Hans, Run!"

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say "Ach! Hans, run! It's the . . ." and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Impounding Lot-Bot

When Impounding Lot-Bot enters, you may say "INCARCERATE!" in a robot voice. If you do, exile another target artifact or enchantment until Impounding Lot-Bot leaves the battlefield.