capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Plains

Red-Hot Hottie

Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Denied!

Choose a card name, then target spell's controller reveals their hand. If a card with the chosen name is revealed this way, counter that spell.

Swamp

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

Amateur Auteur

Sacrifice Amateur Auteur: Destroy target enchantment.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Secret Base

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add one mana of any color. Spend this mana only to cast a spell that shares a watermark with Secret Base.

Farewell to Arms

As Farewell to Arms enters, choose a hand attached to an opponent's arm.
When the chosen hand isn't behind its owner's back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards their hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn't let us do it the other way.)

Chaos Confetti

{4}, {T}: Tear Chaos Confetti into pieces. Throw the pieces onto the battlefield from a distance of at least five feet. Destroy each permanent that a piece touches. Remove the pieces from the game.

Organ Harvest

Your team may sacrifice any number of creatures. For each creature sacrificed this way, you add {B}{B}.

Flaccify

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {3}{½}.

Mad Science Fair Project

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. On a 3 or lower, target player adds {C}. Otherwise, that player adds one mana of any color they choose.

Hazmat Suit (Used)

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has menace.
Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches enchanted creature, that player loses 2 life.

Little Girl

Vile Bile

Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches Vile Bile, that player loses 2 life.

Island

When Fluffy Bunnies Attack

Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of times the letter of your choice appears in that creature's name.

Mother of Goons

Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies, sacrifice Mother of Goons unless you insult that creature.

Sex Appeal

Prevent the next 3 damage that would be dealt this turn to any number of targets, divided as you choose. If there are more people in the room of a different gender than you are as you cast this spell, prevent the next 6 damage this way instead.

Underdome

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add one mana of any color. Spend this mana only to pay Un-costs.

Loose Lips

Enchant creature
As Loose Lips enters, choose a sentence with eight or fewer words.
Enchanted creature has flying.
Whenever enchanted creature deals damage to an opponent, that player may say the chosen sentence. If they don't, you draw two cards.

Tainted Monkey

{T}: Choose a word. Target player mills a card. If a card with the chosen word in its text box was milled this way, they lose 3 life.

Time Out

Roll a six-sided die. Put target nonland permanent into its owner's library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the result.

Magic Word

Enchant creature
As Magic Word enters, choose a word.
Whisper the chosen word: Tap enchanted creature.