Guff Rewrites History

For each player, choose target nonenchantment, nonland permanent that player controls. Those permanents' owners shuffle them into their libraries. Each player who controlled one of those permanents exiles cards from the top of their library until they exile a nonland card, then puts the rest on the bottom of their library in a random order. Each player may cast the nonland card they exiled without paying its mana cost.

Diamond Pick-Axe

Indestructible (Effects that say "destroy" don't destroy this artifact.)
Equipped creature gets +1/+1 and has "Whenever this creature attacks, create a Treasure token." (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")
Equip {2}

Dire Fleet Daredevil

First strike
When Dire Fleet Daredevil enters, exile target instant or sorcery card from an opponent's graveyard. You may cast it this turn, and mana of any type can be spent to cast that spell. If that spell would be put into a graveyard, exile it instead.

Izzet Signet

Kindred Discovery

As Kindred Discovery enters, choose a creature type.
Whenever a creature you control of the chosen type enters or attacks, draw a card.

Earthquake

Earthquake deals X damage to each creature without flying and each player.

Siren Stormtamer

Flying
{U}, Sacrifice Siren Stormtamer: Counter target spell or ability that targets you or a creature you control.

Passionate Archaeologist

Commander creatures you own have "Whenever you cast a spell from exile, this creature deals damage equal to that spell's mana value to target opponent."

Kediss, Emberclaw Familiar

Whenever a commander you control deals combat damage to an opponent, it deals that much damage to each other opponent.
Partner (You can have two commanders if both have partner.)

Stormcarved Coast

Stormcarved Coast enters tapped unless you control two or more other lands.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Muddle the Mixture

Counter target instant or sorcery spell.
Transmute {1}{U}{U} ({1}{U}{U}, Discard this card: Search your library for a card with the same mana value as this card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle. Transmute only as a sorcery.)

Corsair Captain

When this creature enters, create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this token: Add one mana of any color.")
Other Pirates you control get +1/+1.

Breeches, Brazen Plunderer

Menace
Whenever one or more Pirates you control deal damage to your opponents, exile the top card of each of those opponents' libraries. You may play those cards this turn, and you may spend mana as though it were mana of any color to cast those spells.
Partner (You can have two commanders if both have partner.)

Reality Shift

Exile target creature. Its controller manifests the top card of their library. (That player puts the top card of their library onto the battlefield face down as a 2/2 creature. If it's a creature card, it can be turned face up any time for its mana cost.)

City on Fire

Convoke (Your creatures can help cast this spell. Each creature you tap while casting this spell pays for {1} or one mana of that creature's color.)
If a source you control would deal damage to a permanent or player, it deals triple that damage instead.

The Reaver Cleaver

Equipped creature gets +1/+1 and has trample and "Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player or planeswalker, create that many Treasure tokens."
Equip {3}

Mountain

Breeches, Eager Pillager

First strike
Whenever a Pirate you control attacks, choose one that hasn't been chosen this turn —
• Create a Treasure token.
• Target creature can't block this turn.
• Exile the top card of your library. You may play it this turn.

Vault of Catlacan

(Transforms from Storm the Vault.)
{T}: Add one mana of any color.
{T}: Add {U} for each artifact you control.

Storm the Vault

Whenever one or more creatures you control deal combat damage to a player, create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")
At the beginning of your end step, if you control five or more artifacts, transform Storm the Vault.

Storm the Vault // Vault of Catlacan

The Indomitable

Trample
Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.
Crew 3
You may cast The Indomitable from your graveyard as long as you control three or more tapped Pirates and/or Vehicles.

Spyglass Siren

Flying
When Spyglass Siren enters, create a Map token. (It's an artifact with "{1}, {T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Target creature you control explores. Activate only as a sorcery.")

Sword Coast Sailor

Commander creatures you own have "Whenever this creature attacks a player, if no opponent has more life than that player, this creature can't be blocked this turn."

Clan Crafter

Commander creatures you own have "{2}, Sacrifice an artifact: Put a +1/+1 counter on this creature and draw a card."

Izzet Boilerworks

Izzet Boilerworks enters tapped.
When Izzet Boilerworks enters, return a land you control to its owner's hand.
{T}: Add {U}{R}.

Abrade

Choose one —
• Abrade deals 3 damage to target creature.
• Destroy target artifact.

Impulsive Pilferer

When Impulsive Pilferer dies, create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")
Encore {3}{R} ({3}{R}, Exile this card from your graveyard: For each opponent, create a token copy that attacks that opponent this turn if able. They gain haste. Sacrifice them at the beginning of the next end step. Activate only as a sorcery.)

Azure Fleet Admiral

When Azure Fleet Admiral enters, you become the monarch.
Azure Fleet Admiral can't be blocked by creatures the monarch controls.

Purphoros, Bronze-Blooded

Indestructible
As long as your devotion to red is less than five, Purphoros isn't a creature.
Other creatures you control have haste.
{2}{R}: You may put a red creature card or an artifact creature card from your hand onto the battlefield. Sacrifice it at the beginning of the next end step.

Glint-Horn Buccaneer

Haste
Whenever you discard a card, Glint-Horn Buccaneer deals 1 damage to each opponent.
{1}{R}, Discard a card: Draw a card. Activate only if Glint-Horn Buccaneer is attacking.

Chaos Warp

The owner of target permanent shuffles it into their library, then reveals the top card of their library. If it's a permanent card, they put it onto the battlefield.

Sol Ring

Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer

Whenever Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer deals combat damage to a player, create a Treasure token and exile the top card of that player's library. Until end of turn, you may cast that card.
Dash {1}{R} (You may cast this spell for its dash cost. If you do, it gains haste, and it's returned from the battlefield to its owner's hand at the beginning of the next end step.)

Sulfur Falls

Sulfur Falls enters tapped unless you control an Island or a Mountain.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Merchant Raiders

Whenever Merchant Raiders or another Pirate you control enters, tap up to one target creature. That creature doesn't untap during its controller's untap step for as long as you control Merchant Raiders.

Lavaglide Pathway

Riverglide Pathway

Riverglide Pathway // Lavaglide Pathway

Coercive Recruiter

Whenever Coercive Recruiter or another Pirate you control enters, gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. Until end of turn, it gains haste and becomes a Pirate in addition to its other types.

Fiery Cannonade

Fiery Cannonade deals 2 damage to each non-Pirate creature.

Island

Shivan Reef

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}. Shivan Reef deals 1 damage to you.

Pongify

Destroy target creature. It can't be regenerated. Its controller creates a 3/3 green Ape creature token.

Raise the Palisade

Choose a creature type. Return all creatures that aren't of the chosen type to their owners' hands.

Reconnaissance Mission

Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card.
Cycling {2} ({2}, Discard this card: Draw a card.)

Zara, Renegade Recruiter

Flying
Whenever Zara, Renegade Recruiter attacks, look at defending player's hand. You may put a creature card from it onto the battlefield under your control tapped and attacking that player or a planeswalker they control. Return that creature to its owner's hand at the beginning of the next end step.

Talisman of Creativity

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}. Talisman of Creativity deals 1 damage to you.

Goldvein Pick

Equipped creature gets +1/+1.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this token: Add one mana of any color.")
Equip {1} ({1}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

Esior, Wardwing Familiar

Flying
Spells your opponents cast that target one or more commanders you control cost {3} more to cast.
Partner (You can have two commanders if both have partner.)

Lightning Bolt

Lightning Bolt deals 3 damage to any target.

Captain Vargus Wrath

Whenever Captain Vargus Wrath attacks, Pirates you control get +1/+1 until end of turn for each time you've cast a commander from the command zone this game.

Distant Melody

Choose a creature type. Draw a card for each permanent you control of that type.

Bident of Thassa

Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card.
{1}{U}, {T}: Creatures your opponents control attack this turn if able.

Dockside Extortionist

When Dockside Extortionist enters, create X Treasure tokens, where X is the number of artifacts and enchantments your opponents control. (Treasure tokens are artifacts with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")

Reliquary Tower

You have no maximum hand size.
{T}: Add {C}.

Emberwilde Captain

When Emberwilde Captain enters, you become the monarch.
Whenever an opponent attacks you while you're the monarch, Emberwilde Captain deals damage to that player equal to the number of cards in their hand.

Silverbluff Bridge

Silverbluff Bridge enters tapped.
Indestructible
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Protean Raider

Raid — If you attacked this turn, you may have Protean Raider enter as a copy of any creature on the battlefield.

Prying Blade

Equipped creature gets +1/+0.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")
Equip {2} ({2}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

Mind Stone

{T}: Add {C}.
{1}, {T}, Sacrifice Mind Stone: Draw a card.

Captain Storm, Cosmium Raider

Whenever an artifact you control enters, put a +1/+1 counter on target Pirate you control.

Chart a Course

Draw two cards. Then discard a card unless you attacked this turn.

Cascade Bluffs

{T}: Add {C}.
{U/R}, {T}: Add {U}{U}, {U}{R}, or {R}{R}.

Zephyr Singer

Convoke (Your creatures can help cast this spell. Each creature you tap while casting this spell pays for {1} or one mana of that creature's color.)
Flying, vigilance
When Zephyr Singer enters, put a flying counter on each creature that convoked it.

Skyship Plunderer

Flying
Whenever Skyship Plunderer deals combat damage to a player, for each kind of counter on target permanent or player, give that permanent or player another counter of that kind.

Guild Artisan

Commander creatures you own have "Whenever this creature attacks a player, if no opponent has more life than that player, you create two Treasure tokens." (They're artifacts with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")

Coastal Piracy

Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to an opponent, you may draw a card.

Thought Vessel

Temple of Epiphany

This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Steam Vents

({T}: Add {U} or {R}.)
As Steam Vents enters, you may pay 2 life. If you don't, it enters tapped.

Blasphemous Act

This spell costs {1} less to cast for each creature on the battlefield.
Blasphemous Act deals 13 damage to each creature.

Molten Echoes

As Molten Echoes enters, choose a creature type.
Whenever a nontoken creature you control of the chosen type enters, create a token that's a copy of that creature. That token gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Pirated Copy

You may have Pirated Copy enter as a copy of any creature on the battlefield, except it's a Pirate in addition to its other types and it has "Whenever this creature or another creature with the same name deals combat damage to a player, you draw a card."

Amphin Mutineer

When Amphin Mutineer enters, exile up to one target non-Salamander creature. That creature's controller creates a 4/3 blue Salamander Warrior creature token.
Encore {4}{U}{U} ({4}{U}{U}, Exile this card from your graveyard: For each opponent, create a token copy that attacks that opponent this turn if able. They gain haste. Sacrifice them at the beginning of the next end step. Activate only as a sorcery.)

Rapid Hybridization

Destroy target creature. It can't be regenerated. That creature's controller creates a 3/3 green Frog Lizard creature token.

Counterspell

Malcolm, Keen-Eyed Navigator

Flying
Whenever one or more Pirates you control deal damage to your opponents, you create a Treasure token for each opponent dealt damage. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")
Partner (You can have two commanders if both have partner.)

Frostboil Snarl

As Frostboil Snarl enters, you may reveal an Island or Mountain card from your hand. If you don't, Frostboil Snarl enters tapped.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Cutthroat Negotiator

Parley — Whenever Cutthroat Negotiator attacks, each player reveals the top card of their library. For each nonland card revealed this way, you create a tapped Treasure token. Then each player draws a card.

Lightning-Rig Crew

{T}: Lightning-Rig Crew deals 1 damage to each opponent.
Whenever you cast a Pirate spell, untap Lightning-Rig Crew.

Goldspan Dragon

Flying, haste
Whenever Goldspan Dragon attacks or becomes the target of a spell, create a Treasure token.
Treasures you control have "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add two mana of any one color."

Evacuation

Return all creatures to their owners' hands.

Winged Words

This spell costs {1} less to cast if you control a creature with flying.
Draw two cards.

Malcolm, Alluring Scoundrel

Flash
Flying
Whenever Malcolm, Alluring Scoundrel deals combat damage to a player, put a chorus counter on it. Draw a card, then discard a card. If there are four or more chorus counters on Malcolm, you may cast the discarded card without paying its mana cost.

Warkite Marauder

Flying
Whenever Warkite Marauder attacks, target creature defending player controls loses all abilities and has base power and toughness 0/1 until end of turn.

Spectral Sailor

Flash (You may cast this spell any time you could cast an instant.)
Flying
{3}{U}: Draw a card.

Cloud Pirates

Flying
Cloud Pirates can block only creatures with flying.

Negate

Training Center

Training Center enters tapped unless you have two or more opponents.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Gemcutter Buccaneer

Whenever Gemcutter Buccaneer or another Pirate you control enters, create a tapped Treasure token.
Treasures you control are Equipment in addition to their other types and have "Equipped creature gets +2/+0," equip Pirate {1}, and equip {3}.