Frazzled Editor

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)

Domesticated Watercourse

Domesticated Watercourse enters tapped.
{T}: Add {U} or {B}.
{U}{B}: Until end of turn, Domesticated Watercourse becomes an Equipment artifact with equip {2}.
Whenever equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.

Blue Ribbon

When Blue Ribbon enters, ask a person outside the game which creature you control is most deserving of a blue ribbon. Attach Blue Ribbon to that creature.
Equipped creature has best in show. (Whenever another creature becomes the target of a spell or ability you control, you may copy that spell or ability. If you do, the copy targets this creature.)
Equip {3}

Exit Through the Grift Shop

Yell "Who wants a souvenir?" and announce the name of a nonland card in your graveyard. Each player in an Un-game who can hear you may bid life. You start the bidding at 0. The high bidder loses life equal to the high bid. They copy the card and may cast the copy without paying its mana cost. If you didn't win the bid, you gain life equal to the high bid and create that many Treasure tokens.

Focused Funambulist

Flash
As Focused Funambulist enters, you may put an art sticker on the empty side of the balancing pole. When you do, ask a person outside the game "Does this look balanced?" If they say yes, you may tap or untap target creature.

Blurry Beeble

Blurry (This creature can be blocked only if defending player was wearing glasses as it was cast.)
Whenever Blurry Beeble deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.

Form of the Mulldrifter

When Form of the Mulldrifter enters, draw two cards.
You may cast creature cards from your hand as though they were the card Mulldrifter. (You can still evoke this way. They're Mulldrifters.)

Brushstroke Paintermage

{T}: Target permanent's artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn.

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

Boomstacker

As Boomstacker enters and whenever it attacks, stack two dice on top of it. (All dice must be stacked vertically, one on top of another.)
Boomstacker gets +1/+1 for each die in its stack.
Boomstacker attacks each combat if able.
When the stack falls, sacrifice Boomstacker.

Disemvowel

Destroy target creature. That creature's controller loses 1 life for each unique vowel in the creature's name. (The vowels are A, E, I, O, U, and Y.)

Cardboard Carapace

Enchant creature
For each other card named Cardboard Carapace you have with you outside the game, enchanted creature gets +1/+1.

Double Header

Flying
When Double Header enters, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner's hand.

Command the Chaff

Look at target opponent's sideboard. You may cast a card from that sideboard without paying its mana cost.
Exile Command the Chaff.

Jackknight

Whenever another artifact you control enters, put a +1/+1 counter on Jackknight. If that artifact is a Contraption, Jackknight gains lifelink until end of turn.

Cheap Ass

"Brims" Barone, Midway Mobster

When "Brims" Barone, Midway Mobster enters, put a +1/+1 counter on each other creature you control that has a hat.
"Brims" Barone, Midway Mobster has menace as long as you're wearing a hat.

Evil Presents

Put a creature card from your hand into play under target opponent's control. That creature attacks each turn if able . . . and always attacks its controller.

Inspirational Antelope

Legacy — Before the game starts, choose a keyword or ability word and write it below.
Spells with __________ you cast cost {1} less to cast.

Hammer Helper

Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature and roll a six-sided die. Until end of turn, it gains haste and gets +X/+0, where X is the result.

Jester's Sombrero

{2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester's Sombrero: Look at target player's sideboard, choose three cards from it, and remove those cards from the match.

Jack-in-the-Mox

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. This ability has the indicated effect.
1 — Sacrifice Jack-in-the-Mox and you lose 5 life.
2 — Add {W}.
3 — Add {U}.
4 — Add {B}.
5 — Add {R}.
6 — Add {G}.

Assquatch

Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½.
Whenever another Donkey enters, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.

Bear with Set's Mechanic

Vigilance
Aggressive (During your turn, there is an additional combat phase after the first, and only creatures with aggressive may attack during it.)

Grand Marshal Macie

You may choose not to untap Grand Marshal Macie during your untap step. If you do, put a pause counter on it, then you lose 1 life for each pause counter on it.
Whenever Macie becomes untapped, remove all pause counters from it.
{2}, {T}: Choose an "until end of turn" or "this turn" effect. As long as Macie remains tapped, that effect doesn't end.

Censorship

As Censorship enters, choose a word.
Whenever a player says the chosen word, Censorship deals 2 damage to that player.

Don't Try This at Home

If a hot source you control would deal damage to a permanent or player, it deals that much damage plus 1 instead. (Something is hot if it has hot things in its art, like fire or explosions.)
{1}{R}, Sacrifice Don't Try This at Home: It deals damage equal to twice the number of hot cards in your graveyard to target creature or planeswalker.

Face to Face

You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that player.

Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Graphic Violence

All creatures with art by the artist of your choice get +2/+2 and gain trample until end of turn.

Killer Cosplay

Whenever Killer Cosplay becomes attached to a creature, choose a creature card name with an identical mana cost. That creature becomes a copy of the card with the chosen name until Killer Cosplay becomes unattached from it.
Equip {3}

Elvish House Party

Elvish House Party's power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.

Feisty Stegosaurus

When this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. This creature deals damage equal to the result to target creature an opponent controls.

Chronobot

When Chronobot enters, switch upkeep steps with target opponent for as long as it remains on the battlefield. (You take your upkeep on their turn, and they take their upkeep on your turn.)

Enchantmentize

Enchant creature or enchantment
Enchanted permanent is an enchantment and loses all other card types. (It still has its abilities, but it's no longer a creature.)

Jasconian Isle

(Jasconian Isle isn't a spell, it's affected by summoning sickness, it's blue, and it has "{T}: Add {U}.")
Jasconian Isle enters tapped.
Jasconian Isle doesn't untap during your untap step.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay {U}{U}. If you do, untap Jasconian Isle.

Amped Up

This spell costs {1} less to cast for each electrical socket in a wall or floor you can see from your seat.
Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. Until end of turn, it gets +3/+0 and gains haste.

Handcuffs

As Handcuffs enters, choose a player.
When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice Handcuffs and that player sacrifices three permanents.

Blood Poet

Spark (Activate spark abilities by spending or giving yourself spark counters. Activate only one spark ability per turn, and only as a sorcery.)
+1: Blood Poet gains lifelink until end of turn.
−3: Target opponent discards a card. You gain life equal to its converted mana cost.

Entirely Normal Armchair

During your turn, if Entirely Normal Armchair is in your hand, you may hide it on the battlefield.
{0}: Return Entirely Normal Armchair to its owner's hand. Only your opponents may activate this ability and only if they see Entirely Normal Armchair.
{2}, Sacrifice Entirely Normal Armchair: Destroy target attacking creature.

Handy Dandy Clone Machine

{2}, {T}: Create a 2/2 colorless Homunculus creature token. It must be represented by a unique hand and two fingers at all times, or it ceases to exist.

Far Out

Rather than choose the indicated number of modes for spells and abilities you control, you may choose one or more modes. You can't choose any mode more than once.

Blast from the Past

Madness {R}, cycling {1}{R}, kicker {2}{R}, flashback {3}{R}, buyback {4}{R}
Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to any target. If this spell was kicked, create a 1/1 red Goblin creature token.

Double Deal

Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, Double Deal deals 3 damage to the player.

Interplanar Brushwagg

Interplanar (This creature enters onto the interplanar battlefield. Players can't control creatures on the interplanar battlefield.)
Vigilance, haste
Whenever a player attacks with a creature with power 4 or greater, Interplanar Brushwagg also attacks the player or planeswalker that creature is attacking.

Bucket List

Whenever you cast a spell of a type showing on Bucket List, put a counter over that type and draw a card. If all five types on Bucket List have counters over them, sacrifice it and draw one more card.
☐ artifact ☐ creature ☐ enchantment ☐ instant ☐ sorcery

Infernius Spawnington III, Esq.

Flying, first strike, trample, haste
This spell costs {3} less to cast for each card you've revealed this turn.
When Infernius Spawnington III, Esq. enters, you may say "I'm here." If you do, it deals 3 damage to target player.

Druid of the Sacred Beaker

{T}: Add {G} for each Crossbreed Labs watermark among permanents you control.

Carnival Barker

{T}: You have thirty seconds to laud a creature you control to any people outside the game. Until end of turn, that creature gains trample and haste and gets +X/+0, where X is the number of those people who applauded. Activate only as a sorcery and only once.

Infinity Elemental

Guess Your Fate

Visit — Look at the bottom card of your library, then give a person outside the game a one-word clue not on that card. They guess a word. If their guess appears in that card's name, claim the prize!
Prize — Reveal the card, put it into your hand, then sacrifice Guess Your Fate and open an Attraction.

Chicken Egg

At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 6, sacrifice Chicken Egg and create a 4/4 red Giant Bird creature token.

Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

When this enchantment enters, you gain 7 life. You become a card until you leave your library or that library is shuffled. Put yourself seventh from the top, balancing the cards on top of you on your head.
When you draw yourself, you win the game.
When one or more cards fall off your head, exile them and all cards on your head, then sacrifice this enchantment.

Fabled Path of Searo Point

{W}{U}{B}{R}{G}, {T}: Creatures you control gain landwalk until end of turn.

Goblin S.W.A.T. Team

Say "Goblin S.W.A.T. Team": Put a +1/+1 counter on Goblin S.W.A.T. Team unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Activate only once each turn.

Hydradoodle

As Hydradoodle enters, roll X six-sided dice. Hydradoodle enters with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the total of those results.
Reach, trample

Frenemy of the Guildpact

Protection from enemy-colored multicolored (This creature can't be blocked, targeted, dealt damage, enchanted, or equipped by anything that's two enemy colors, such as blue and green.)

Join the Group

You may put a legendary creature card from your hand into the command zone. It's also your commander.

Champions of Archery

Reach
Commanders you control get +X/+0, where X is the number of commanders you control.

Champions of Archery // Join the Group

Domesticated Mammoth

Domesticated Mammoth enters with a token copy of Pacifism attached to it.

Garbage Elemental

Unleash (You may have this creature enter with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)
Each creature you control with any kind of counter on it has art menace. (They can't be blocked except by creatures with two or more visible figures in their art.)

Ghazbán Ogress

When Ghazbán Ogress enters, if one player has won more Magic games that day than any other player, that player gains control of Ghazbán Ogress.

Hat Trick

Target blocking or blocked creature you control gets +1/+1 and gains first strike until end of turn. If it has a hat, it gains double strike until end of turn. If you and that creature each have a hat, the creature gains triple strike until end of turn.

Everythingamajig

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
{1}, {T}: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card's name. You may reveal that card. If you do and your opponent guessed wrong, draw a card.
{8}, {T}: Everythingamajig deals 12 damage to target creature.

Get Your Head in the Game

Flash
When Get Your Head in the Game enters, exile target nonland permanent until it (this card) leaves the battlefield, then touch it (this card) to your head. When it (this card) stops touching it (your head), sacrifice it (the card, not your head).

Hangman

As Hangman enters, secretly note a word with six to eight letters.
{1}: Target player who doesn't control Hangman guesses the noted word or an unguessed letter in that word. If they guess wrong, put a +1/+1 counter on Hangman. Any player may activate this ability.
When a player guesses the noted word or all of its letters, sacrifice Hangman.

Curious Killbot

Impounding Lot-Bot

When Impounding Lot-Bot enters, you may say "INCARCERATE!" in a robot voice. If you do, exile another target artifact or enchantment until Impounding Lot-Bot leaves the battlefield.

Fat Ass

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Corrupted Key

As long as Corrupted Key is tapped, creatures you control have menace and deathtouch.

Icing Manipulator

Each +1/+1 counter on a creature you control is also a Food token. (It's an artifact with "{2}, {T}, Sacrifice this artifact: You gain 3 life.")
{3}{G}, {T}: Roll two six-sided dice. For each odd result, put a +1/+1 counter on a creature of your choice. Activate only as a sorcery.

Fascist Art Director

{W}{W}: Fascist Art Director gains protection from the artist of your choice until end of turn.

Impatient Iguana

If Impatient Iguana is in your opening hand and you're not the starting player, you may reveal it. If you do, you become the starting player.
Haste

Frogkin Kidnapper

When Frogkin Kidnapper enters, target opponent reveals their hand. Choose a nonland card from it. Ransom that card. (Exile it. Its owner may pay {3} at any time to return it to their hand.)

Clay Pigeon

Flying
{1}, Throw Clay Pigeon into the air at least two feet above your head while seated: If you catch Clay Pigeon with one hand, prevent all damage a source of your choice would deal to you this turn and tap Clay Pigeon. Otherwise, sacrifice it.

Fowl Play

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a Bird creature with base power and toughness 1/1.

Hoisted Hireling

Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Gobsmacked

Enchant nonland permanent
As Gobsmacked enters, choose a person outside the game.
As long as you can see the chosen person from your seat, enchanted permanent can't attack or block, and its activated abilities can't be activated.

Gerrymandering

Exile all lands. Give each player a number of those cards chosen at random equal to the number of those cards the player controlled. Each player returns those cards to the battlefield under their control.

Kaya, Ghost Haunter

0: Exile Kaya, Ghost Haunter haunting target creature for as long as that creature remains on the battlefield.
−1: You get an emblem with, "At the beginning of your upkeep, this emblem deals 3 damage to the owner of target haunted creature."
−2: You get an emblem with, "At the beginning of your upkeep, gain control of target haunted creature for as long as it remains haunted."

Aesthetic Consultation

Choose an artist. Exile the top six cards of your library, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card with art by the chosen artist. Put that card in your hand and exile all other cards revealed this way.

Double Dip

Choose another player. You gain 5 life. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you gain 5 life.

Hungry Hungry Heifer

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may remove a counter from a permanent you control. If you don't, sacrifice Hungry Hungry Heifer.

Amateur Auteur

Sacrifice Amateur Auteur: Destroy target enchantment.

Greater Morphling

{2}: Greater Morphling gains your choice of banding, bushido 1, double strike, fear, flying, first strike, haste, landwalk of your choice, protection from a color of your choice, provoke, rampage 1, shadow, or trample until end of turn.
{2}: Greater Morphling becomes the colors of your choice until end of turn.
{2}: Greater Morphling becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn.
{2}: Greater Morphling's expansion symbol becomes the symbol of your choice until end of turn.
{2}: Greater Morphling's art becomes by the artist of your choice until end of turn.
{2}: Greater Morphling gets +2/-2 or -2/+2 until end of turn.
{2}: Untap Greater Morphling.

Incite Insight

Assemble X Contraptions. (To assemble a Contraption, put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Bat-

Flying
At the beginning of each end step, if an opponent lost 3 or more life this turn,
Augment {1}{B} ({1}{B}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)

Kindly Cognician

Spells you cast that refer to artifacts or Contraptions in their rules text cost {1} less to cast.

Elvish Impersonators

As Elvish Impersonators enters, roll a six-sided die twice. Its base power becomes the first result and its base toughness becomes the second result.

Only the Best

Return target Booster Fun card from your graveyard to your hand.

Collectigull

Flying, protection from common
Whenever Collectigull attacks, reveal the top card of your library. If it's a Booster Fun card, you may put it into your hand.

Collectigull // Only the Best

Free-Range Chicken

{1}{G}: Roll two six-sided dice. If both results are the same, Free-Range Chicken gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is that result. If the total of those results is equal to any other total you have rolled this turn for this ability, sacrifice it. (For example, if you roll two 3s, it gets +3/+3. If you roll a 4 and a 2 for this ability later that turn, sacrifice it.)

Goblin Sleigh Ride

Target creature you control climbs into Goblin Sleigh Ride. You slide them on their merry way. If the creature stayed on, it deals damage equal to its toughness to each other creature touched during the slide.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Gnome-Made Engine

When this creature enters, create a 1/1 colorless Gnome artifact creature token.

Geometric Weird

At the beginning of each end step, you may have Geometric Weird's base power and toughness each become equal to the greatest number of spells and abilities from different sources that were on the stack simultaneously that turn.

Control Win Condition

This spell can't be countered.
Shroud
Control Win Condition's power and toughness are each equal to the number of turns you've taken this game. (If this is in your deck, please keep track of your turns. This means you, Mark.)

Flavor Judge

{T}: Choose target spell or ability that targets a permanent you control. Then ask a person outside the game if the story of what will happen makes sense. If they say no, sacrifice Flavor Judge and counter that spell or ability.

Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike
{1}{B}, Reveal Infernal Spawn of Evil from your hand, Say "It's coming!": Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 1 damage to target opponent or planeswalker. Activate only during your upkeep and only once each turn.

Charm School

As Charm School enters, choose a color and balance Charm School on your head.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.
When Charm School falls off your head, sacrifice Charm School.

Khod, Etlan Shiis Envoy

All lands are Islands in addition to their other types.
Other Homarids, Camarids, Cephalids, Nautilids, and Merfolk you control get +1/+1.

Better Than One

A person outside the game becomes your teammate. (Choose any number of cards in your hand, on top of your library, or on the battlefield under your control. Those cards become your teammate's hand, library, and permanents, respectively.)