Guff Rewrites History

For each player, choose target nonenchantment, nonland permanent that player controls. Those permanents' owners shuffle them into their libraries. Each player who controlled one of those permanents exiles cards from the top of their library until they exile a nonland card, then puts the rest on the bottom of their library in a random order. Each player may cast the nonland card they exiled without paying its mana cost.

Life of the Party

First strike, trample, haste
Whenever Life of the Party attacks, it gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the number of creatures you control.
When Life of the Party enters, if it's not a token, each opponent creates a token that's a copy of it. The tokens are goaded for the rest of the game. (They attack each combat if able and attack a player other than you if able.)

Relic Robber

Haste
Whenever Relic Robber deals combat damage to a player, that player creates a 0/1 colorless Goblin Construct artifact creature token with "This creature can't block" and "At the beginning of your upkeep, this creature deals 1 damage to you."

Goblin Spymaster

First strike
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, that player creates a 1/1 red Goblin creature token with "Creatures you control attack each combat if able."

Spectacular Showdown

Put a double strike counter on target creature, then goad each creature that had a double strike counter put on it this way. (Until your next turn, those creatures attack each combat if able and attack a player other than you if able.)
Overload {4}{R}{R}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change "target" in its text to "each.")

Rakdos Signet

Shiny Impetus

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2 and is goaded. (It attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
Whenever enchanted creature attacks, you create a Treasure token. (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")

Assault Suit

Equipped creature gets +2/+2, has haste, can't attack you or planeswalkers you control, and can't be sacrificed.
At the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, you may have that player gain control of equipped creature until end of turn. If you do, untap it.
Equip {3}

Sleeper Agent

When Sleeper Agent enters, target opponent gains control of it.
At the beginning of your upkeep, Sleeper Agent deals 2 damage to you.

Stuffy Doll

Indestructible
As Stuffy Doll enters, choose a player.
Whenever Stuffy Doll is dealt damage, it deals that much damage to the chosen player.
{T}: Stuffy Doll deals 1 damage to itself.

Blasphemous Act

This spell costs {1} less to cast for each creature on the battlefield.
Blasphemous Act deals 13 damage to each creature.

Agitator Ant

At the beginning of your end step, each player may put two +1/+1 counters on a creature they control. Goad each creature that had counters put on it this way. (Until your next turn, those creatures attack each combat if able and attack a player other than you if able.)

Arcbond

Choose target creature. Whenever that creature is dealt damage this turn, it deals that much damage to each other creature and each player.

Witch Hunt

Players can't gain life.
At the beginning of your upkeep, Witch Hunt deals 4 damage to you.
At the beginning of your end step, target opponent chosen at random gains control of Witch Hunt.

Vow of Lightning

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2, has first strike, and can't attack you or planeswalkers you control.

Tempting Contract

At the beginning of your upkeep, each opponent may create a Treasure token. For each opponent who does, you create a Treasure token.

Insurrection

Untap all creatures and gain control of them until end of turn. They gain haste until end of turn.

Vengeful Ancestor

Flying
Whenever Vengeful Ancestor enters or attacks, goad target creature. (Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
Whenever a goaded creature attacks, it deals 1 damage to its controller.

Forbidden Orchard

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
Whenever you tap Forbidden Orchard for mana, target opponent creates a 1/1 colorless Spirit creature token.

Revenge of Ravens

Whenever a creature attacks you or a planeswalker you control, that creature's controller loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.

Bloodthirsty Blade

Equipped creature gets +2/+0 and is goaded. (It attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
{1}: Attach Bloodthirsty Blade to target creature an opponent controls. Activate only as a sorcery.

Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth

Each land is a Swamp in addition to its other land types.

Delirium

Cast this spell only during an opponent's turn.
Tap target creature that player controls. That creature deals damage equal to its power to the player. Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt to and dealt by the creature this turn.

Mana Geyser

Add {R} for each tapped land your opponents control.

Bucknard's Everfull Purse

{1}, {T}: Roll a d4 and create a number of Treasure tokens equal to the result. The player to your right gains control of Bucknard's Everfull Purse.

Blood for the Blood God!

This spell costs {1} less to cast for each creature that died this turn.
Discard your hand, then draw eight cards. Blood for the Blood God! deals 8 damage to each opponent. Exile Blood for the Blood God!

Mob Rule

Choose one —
• Gain control of all creatures with power 4 or greater until end of turn. Untap those creatures. They gain haste until end of turn.
• Gain control of all creatures with power 3 or less until end of turn. Untap those creatures. They gain haste until end of turn.

Fumiko the Lowblood

Fumiko the Lowblood has bushido X, where X is the number of attacking creatures. (Whenever this creature blocks or becomes blocked, it gets +X/+X until end of turn.)
Creatures your opponents control attack each combat if able.

Treasure Nabber

Whenever an opponent taps an artifact for mana, gain control of that artifact until the end of your next turn.

Foreboding Ruins

As Foreboding Ruins enters, you may reveal a Swamp or Mountain card from your hand. If you don't, Foreboding Ruins enters tapped.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

Hunted Horror

Trample
When Hunted Horror enters, target opponent creates two 3/3 green Centaur creature tokens with protection from black.

Varchild's War-Riders

Cumulative upkeep—Have an opponent create a 1/1 red Survivor creature token. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on this permanent, then sacrifice it unless you pay its upkeep cost for each age counter on it.)
Trample; rampage 1 (Whenever this creature becomes blocked, it gets +1/+1 until end of turn for each creature blocking it beyond the first.)

Curse of Hospitality

Enchant player
Creatures attacking enchanted player have trample.
Whenever a creature deals combat damage to enchanted player, that player exiles the top card of their library. Until end of turn, that creature's controller may play that card and they may spend mana as though it were mana of any color to cast that spell.

Hellish Rebuke

Until end of turn, permanents your opponents control gain "When this permanent deals damage to the player who cast Hellish Rebuke, sacrifice this permanent. You lose 2 life."

Frenzied Saddlebrute

Haste
All creatures can attack your opponents and planeswalkers your opponents control as though those creatures had haste.

Swamp

Fire Covenant

As an additional cost to cast this spell, pay X life.
Fire Covenant deals X damage divided as you choose among any number of target creatures.

Havoc Festival

Players can't gain life.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player loses half their life, rounded up.

Royal Assassin

Curse of Opulence

Enchant player
Whenever enchanted player is attacked, create a Gold token. Each opponent attacking that player does the same. (A Gold token is an artifact with "Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.")

Rakdos Charm

Choose one —
• Exile target player's graveyard.
• Destroy target artifact.
• Each creature deals 1 damage to its controller.

Temple of Malice

Temple of Malice enters tapped.
When Temple of Malice enters, scry 1.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

Mountain

Bothersome Quasit

Menace
Goaded creatures your opponents control can't block.
Whenever you cast a noncreature spell, goad target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)

Bloodfell Caves

Bloodfell Caves enters tapped.
When Bloodfell Caves enters, you gain 1 life.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

Vow of Malice

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2, has intimidate, and can't attack you or planeswalkers you control. (A creature with intimidate can't be blocked except by artifact creatures and/or creatures that share a color with it.)

Supernatural Stamina

Until end of turn, target creature gets +2/+0 and gains "When this creature dies, return it to the battlefield tapped under its owner's control."

Varchild, Betrayer of Kjeldor

Whenever Varchild, Betrayer of Kjeldor deals combat damage to a player, that player creates that many 1/1 red Survivor creature tokens.
Survivors your opponents control can't block, and they can't attack you or planeswalkers you control.
When Varchild leaves the battlefield, gain control of all Survivors.

Cabal Coffers

{2}, {T}: Add {B} for each Swamp you control.

Curse of Disturbance

Enchant player
Whenever enchanted player is attacked, create a 2/2 black Zombie creature token. Each opponent attacking that player does the same.

Disrupt Decorum

Goad all creatures you don't control. (Until your next turn, those creatures attack each combat if able and attack a player other than you if able.)

Smoldering Marsh

({T}: Add {B} or {R}.)
Smoldering Marsh enters tapped unless you control two or more basic lands.

War's Toll

Whenever an opponent taps a land for mana, tap all lands that player controls.
If a creature an opponent controls attacks, all creatures that opponent controls attack if able.

Scheming Symmetry

Choose two target players. Each of them searches their library for a card, then shuffles and puts that card on top.

Cruel Entertainment

Choose target player and another target player. The first player controls the second player during the second player's next turn, and the second player controls the first player during the first player's next turn.

Unnatural Endurance

Devoid (This card has no color.)
Target creature gets +2/+0 until end of turn. Regenerate it.

Wild Ricochet

You may choose new targets for target instant or sorcery spell. Then copy that spell. You may choose new targets for the copy.

Death Kiss

Whenever a creature an opponent controls attacks one of your opponents, double its power until end of turn.
{X}{X}{R}: Monstrosity X. (If this creature isn't monstrous, put X +1/+1 counters on it and it becomes monstrous.)
When Death Kiss becomes monstrous, goad up to X target creatures your opponents control.

Terramorphic Expanse

{T}, Sacrifice Terramorphic Expanse: Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

Opal Palace

{T}: Add {C}.
{1}, {T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity. If you spend this mana to cast your commander, it enters with a number of additional +1/+1 counters on it equal to the number of times it's been cast from the command zone this game.

Exsanguinate

Each opponent loses X life. You gain life equal to the life lost this way.

Captive Audience

Captive Audience enters under the control of an opponent of your choice.
At the beginning of your upkeep, choose one that hasn't been chosen —
• Your life total becomes 4.
• Discard your hand.
• Each opponent creates five 2/2 black Zombie creature tokens.

Emberwilde Captain

When Emberwilde Captain enters, you become the monarch.
Whenever an opponent attacks you while you're the monarch, Emberwilde Captain deals damage to that player equal to the number of cards in their hand.

Taunting Kobold

Haste
Whenever Taunting Kobold attacks, goad target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)

Terminate

Destroy target creature. It can't be regenerated.

Bojuka Bog

Bojuka Bog enters tapped.
When Bojuka Bog enters, exile target player's graveyard.
{T}: Add {B}.

Descent into Avernus

At the beginning of your upkeep, put two descent counters on Descent into Avernus. Then each player creates X Treasure tokens and Descent into Avernus deals X damage to each player, where X is the number of descent counters on Descent into Avernus.

Crawlspace

No more than two creatures can attack you each combat.

Sudden Spoiling

Split second (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't cast spells or activate abilities that aren't mana abilities.)
Until end of turn, creatures target player controls lose all abilities and have base power and toughness 0/2.

Komainu Battle Armor

Menace
Equipped creature gets +2/+2 and has menace.
Whenever Komainu Battle Armor or equipped creature deals combat damage to a player, goad each creature that player controls.
Reconfigure {4} ({4}: Attach to target creature you control; or unattach from a creature. Reconfigure only as a sorcery. While attached, this isn't a creature.)

Chef's Kiss

Gain control of target spell that targets only a single permanent or player. Copy it, then reselect the targets at random for the spell and the copy. The new targets can't be you or a permanent you control.

Arcane Signet

{T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity.

Offer Immortality

Target creature gains deathtouch and indestructible until end of turn. (Damage and effects that say "destroy" don't destroy it.)

Varragoth, Bloodsky Sire

Deathtouch
Boast — {1}{B}: Target player searches their library for a card, then shuffles and puts that card on top. (Activate only if this creature attacked this turn and only once each turn.)

Chaos Warp

The owner of target permanent shuffles it into their library, then reveals the top card of their library. If it's a permanent card, they put it onto the battlefield.

Kardur, Doomscourge

When Kardur, Doomscourge enters, until your next turn, creatures your opponents control attack each combat if able and attack a player other than you if able.
Whenever an attacking creature dies, each opponent loses 1 life and you gain 1 life.

Black Market

Whenever a creature dies, put a charge counter on Black Market.
At the beginning of your first main phase, add {B} for each charge counter on Black Market.

Rite of the Raging Storm

Creatures named Lightning Rager can't attack you or planeswalkers you control.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player creates a 5/1 red Elemental creature token named Lightning Rager. It has trample, haste, and "At the beginning of the end step, sacrifice this creature."

Bedevil

Destroy target artifact, creature, or planeswalker.

Goblin Diplomats

{T}: Each creature attacks this turn if able.

Stormfist Crusader

Menace
At the beginning of your upkeep, each player draws a card and loses 1 life.

Command Tower

Kazuul, Tyrant of the Cliffs

Whenever a creature an opponent controls attacks, if you're the defending player, create a 3/3 red Ogre creature token unless that creature's controller pays {3}.

Court of Ire

When Court of Ire enters, you become the monarch.
At the beginning of your upkeep, Court of Ire deals 2 damage to any target. If you're the monarch, it deals 7 damage instead.

Khârn the Betrayer

Berzerker — Khârn the Betrayer attacks or blocks each combat if able.
Sigil of Corruption — When you lose control of Khârn the Betrayer, draw two cards.
The Betrayer — If damage would be dealt to Khârn the Betrayer, prevent that damage and an opponent of your choice gains control of it.

Humble Defector

{T}: Draw two cards. Target opponent gains control of Humble Defector. Activate only during your turn.

Crown of Doom

Whenever a creature attacks you or a planeswalker you control, it gets +2/+0 until end of turn.
{2}: Target player other than Crown of Doom's owner gains control of it. Activate only during your turn.

Evolving Wilds

{T}, Sacrifice Evolving Wilds: Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

Visions of Brutality

Devoid (This card has no color.)
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature can't block.
Whenever enchanted creature deals damage, its controller loses that much life.

Xantcha, Sleeper Agent

Xantcha, Sleeper Agent enters under the control of an opponent of your choice.
Xantcha attacks each combat if able and can't attack its owner or planeswalkers its owner controls.
{3}: Xantcha's controller loses 2 life and you draw a card. Any player may activate this ability.

Sol Ring

Rakdos Guildgate

Rakdos Guildgate enters tapped.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

Goblin Racketeer

Whenever Goblin Racketeer attacks, you may goad target creature defending player controls. (Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)

Parasitic Impetus

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2 and is goaded. (It attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
Whenever enchanted creature attacks, its controller loses 2 life and you gain 2 life.

Rogue's Passage

{T}: Add {C}.
{4}, {T}: Target creature can't be blocked this turn.

Bitter Feud

As Bitter Feud enters, choose two players.
If a source controlled by one of the chosen players would deal damage to the other chosen player or a permanent that player controls, that source deals double that damage to that player or permanent instead.

Cinder Barrens

Cinder Barrens enters tapped.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}.

Fire Diamond

Fire Diamond enters tapped.
{T}: Add {R}.

Reliquary Tower

You have no maximum hand size.
{T}: Add {C}.

Rakdos Carnarium

Rakdos Carnarium enters tapped.
When Rakdos Carnarium enters, return a land you control to its owner's hand.
{T}: Add {B}{R}.

Court of Ambition

When Court of Ambition enters, you become the monarch.
At the beginning of your upkeep, each opponent loses 3 life unless they discard a card. If you're the monarch, instead each opponent loses 6 life unless they discard two cards.

Exotic Orchard

{T}: Add one mana of any color that a land an opponent controls could produce.

Storm's Wrath

Storm's Wrath deals 4 damage to each creature and each planeswalker.

Hissing Miasma

Whenever a creature attacks you, its controller loses 1 life.