Tainted Monkey

{T}: Choose a word. Target player mills a card. If a card with the chosen word in its text box was milled this way, they lose 3 life.

Enter the Dungeon

Players play a Magic subgame under the table, starting at 5 life and using their libraries as their decks. The winner searches their library for two cards, puts those cards into their hand, then shuffles.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Knight of the Kitchen Sink

First strike, protection from black borders (Nothing with a black border can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Double Dip

Choose another player. You gain 5 life. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, you gain 5 life.

Weaponized Scrap

Upgrade (This creature enters covering another artifact you control. If it can't, exile it. Ignore the artifact it's covering. Anywhere this card goes, cards underneath it also go. It has haste.)

Circle of Protection: Art

As Circle of Protection: Art enters, choose an artist.
{1}{W}: The next time a source of your choice with art by the chosen artist would deal damage to you this turn, prevent that damage.
{1}{W}: Return Circle of Protection: Art to its owner's hand.

Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil

Flying, first strike, trample
Once each turn, while you're searching your library, you may pay {1}{B}, reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library and say "I'm coming, too!" If you do, Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil deals 2 damage to a player of your choice.

Old-Fashioned Vampire

Flying
Old-Fashioned Vampire gets +2/+2 and has deathtouch as long as it's dark outdoors.

Jumbo Imp

Flying
As Jumbo Imp enters, roll a six-sided die. Jumbo Imp enters with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on Jumbo Imp equal to the result.
At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from Jumbo Imp equal to the result.

Gimme Five

You gain 1 life for each person who high-fives you in the next thirty seconds. Each player in an Un-game who high-fives you gains 1 life. (Offer high fives. Don't hit people.)

Voracious Vacuum

When this creature enters, put a +1/+1 counter on target creature.

Pointy Finger of Doom

{3}, {T}: Spin Pointy Finger of Doom in the middle of the table so that it rotates completely at least once, then destroy the closest permanent the finger points to.

The Cheese Stands Alone

When you control no permanents other than The Cheese Stands Alone and have no cards in hand, you win the game.

Hazmat Suit (Used)

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has menace.
Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches enchanted creature, that player loses 2 life.

One with Death

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Ruff, Underdog Champ

All Hounds are Dogs. (We'll errata this to be true.)
First strike, lifelink
Underdog — If you've lost a game this match, Ruff, Underdog Champ and other Dogs you control get +1/+1.

Bad Ass

Infernius Spawnington III, Esq.

Flying, first strike, trample, haste
This spell costs {3} less to cast for each card you've revealed this turn.
When Infernius Spawnington III, Esq. enters, you may say "I'm here." If you do, it deals 3 damage to target player.

Zombie Fanboy

As Zombie Fanboy enters, choose an artist.
Whenever a permanent with art by the chosen artist is put into a graveyard, put two +1/+1 counters on Zombie Fanboy.

Drawn Together

As Drawn Together enters, choose an artist.
Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Knight of the Widget

Vigilance
Knight of the Widget's power and toughness are each equal to the number of Order of the Widget watermarks among permanents you control.

Riveting Rigger

When Riveting Rigger enters, you may sacrifice another artifact. If you do, put two +1/+1 counters on Riveting Rigger and it assembles a Contraption. (Put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Urza's Science Fair Project

{2}: Roll a six-sided die. Urza's Science Fair Project gets the indicated result.
1 — It gets -2/-2 until end of turn.
2 — Prevent all combat damage it would deal this turn.
3 — It gains vigilance until end of turn.
4 — It gains first strike until end of turn.
5 — It gains flying until end of turn.
6 — It gets +2/+2 until end of turn.

Jester's Sombrero

{2}, {T}, Sacrifice Jester's Sombrero: Look at target player's sideboard, choose three cards from it, and remove those cards from the match.

First strike, protection from two-word names (Nothing with exactly two words in its name can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature. Hyphenated words are one word.)

Curious Killbot

Super Secret Tech

Premium spells cost {1} less to cast.
Premium creatures get +1/+1.

Teacher's Pet

{2}{W}, Sacrifice Teacher's Pet: Search your library for a card with augment, combine it with target host you control, then shuffle.

Angelic Rocket

Flying
When this creature enters, you may destroy target nonland permanent.

Collector Protector

{W}, Give an opponent a nonland card you own from outside the game: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you or Collector Protector this turn.

Mesa Chicken

Stand up, Flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: Mesa Chicken gains flying until end of turn.

Cogmentor

Flying
{4}: Reassemble target Contraption you control. (Move it onto another one of your sprockets.)

Bat-

Flying
At the beginning of each end step, if an opponent lost 3 or more life this turn,
Augment {1}{B} ({1}{B}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)

Assembled Ensemble

Vigilance
Assembled Ensemble's power is equal to the number of Robots you control.
Whenever you cast a spell with an artifact creature in its art, create a 1/1 white Clown Robot artifact creature token.

D00-DL, Caricaturist

When D00-DL, Caricaturist enters, create a 4/4 colorless Sketch creature token, which you have fifteen seconds to draw. The token has flying if it has wings in its art. The same is true for first strike and a sword, vigilance and a shield, menace and mean eyes, trample and horns, deathtouch and claws, lifelink and fangs, and haste and footwear.

Chronobot

When Chronobot enters, switch upkeep steps with target opponent for as long as it remains on the battlefield. (You take your upkeep on their turn, and they take their upkeep on your turn.)

Everythingamajig

{2}, {T}: Draw a card. Activate only if you have no cards in hand.
{8}, {T}: You gain 10 life.
{4}, {T}, Sacrifice Everythingamajig: You may put a silver-bordered or acorn permanent card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Sacrifice a land: You gain 2 life.
Sacrifice a creature: Add {C}{C}.
{2}, Discard a card: Search your library for a card that shares a complete word in its name with the name of the discarded card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.

Cyclopean Titan

When Cyclopean Titan dies, two target lands become Swamps. Exile Cyclopean Titan.
{3}, {T}: Tap target creature, then return Cyclopean Titan to its owner's hand.

World-Bottling Kit

{5}, Sacrifice World-Bottling Kit: Choose a Magic set. Exile all permanents with that set's expansion symbol except for basic lands.

Sly Spy

Whenever Sly Spy deals combat damage to a player, roll a six-sided die. That player loses life equal to the result.

Ninja

You may activate Ninja's augment ability any time you could cast an instant.
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player,
Augment {2}{B} ({2}{B}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as—oh, never mind.)

Unicycle

First strike, haste
Equipped creature has first strike and haste.
Equip {1}
Crew 1

Zzzyxas's Abyss

At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy all nonland permanents with the first name alphabetically among nonland permanents.

Fascist Art Director

{W}{W}: Fascist Art Director gains protection from the artist of your choice until end of turn.

Kaya, Ghost Haunter

0: Exile Kaya, Ghost Haunter haunting target creature for as long as that creature remains on the battlefield.
−1: You get an emblem with, "At the beginning of your upkeep, this emblem deals 3 damage to the owner of target haunted creature."
−2: You get an emblem with, "At the beginning of your upkeep, gain control of target haunted creature for as long as it remains haunted."

Blacker Lotus

{T}: Tear Blacker Lotus into pieces. Add four mana of any one color. Remove the pieces from the game.

Underdome

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add one mana of any color. Spend this mana only to pay Un-costs.

Whenever Sly Spy deals combat damage to a player, you may destroy target creature facing right in its art. (Creatures without faces don't face anywhere.)

Spike, Tournament Grinder

({B/P} can be paid with either {B} or 2 life.)
{B/P}{B/P}{B/P}{B/P}: Reveal a card you own from outside the game that has been banned or restricted in a Constructed format and put it into your hand.

{1}, {T}: Scry 2.
{1}, {T}, Pay 1 life: Create a 0/1 white Goat creature token.
{7}, {T}, Sacrifice Everythingamajig: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards.

Frontier Explorer

{3}, {T}: Until end of turn, you may play one basic Plains card from outside the game.

Booster Tutor

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of them into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.)

By Gnome Means

{1}{W}, Remove a counter from a permanent you control: Create a 1/1 colorless Gnome artifact creature token.
{1}{W}, Sacrifice an artifact: Choose any kind of counter a printed card refers to, then put one of that counter on target permanent.

Buried Ogre

You may begin the game with Buried Ogre in your graveyard. If you do, you lose 1 life.

Souvenir T-Shirt

Gear Up, sponsored by Wizards of the Coast — As Souvenir T-Shirt enters, roll two six-sided dice. For each Magic-branded item you're wearing, roll an additional six-sided die. Choose two of those results.
Equipped creature gets +X/+Y, where X is the first chosen result and Y is the second.
Equip {4}

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
{1}, {T}: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card's name. You may reveal that card. If you do and your opponent guessed wrong, draw a card.
{8}, {T}: Everythingamajig deals 12 damage to target creature.

capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Whenever Sly Spy deals combat damage to a player, that player loses a finger until Sly Spy leaves the battlefield. (The finger is chosen by its owner and can't roll dice or touch cards.)

You're in Command

Choose target creature you own and control. That creature becomes your commander. Any other commanders you have are no longer your commander. (That creature starts with a commander tax of {0}.)

GO TO JAIL

When GO TO JAIL enters, exile target creature an opponent controls until GO TO JAIL leaves the battlefield.
At the beginning of the upkeep of the exiled card's owner, that player rolls two six-sided dice. If they roll doubles, sacrifice GO TO JAIL.

Steady-Handed Mook

Deathtouch
When Steady-Handed Mook enters, it assembles a Contraption. (Put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

The Big Top

{T}: Add one mana of any color that appears on your top. (A top is an outerwear garment worn on the upper body.)

Midlife Upgrade

As an additional cost to cast this spell, sacrifice X Contraptions.
Assemble X plus one Contraptions. (To assemble a Contraption, put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Working Stiff

As Working Stiff enters, straighten your arms.
When you bend an elbow, sacrifice Working Stiff.

Stop That

Target player discards a card.
Gotcha — If an opponent audibly flicks the cards in their hand, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Stop That from your graveyard to your hand.

Rod of Spanking

{2}, {T}: Rod of Spanking deals 1 damage to target player. Then untap Rod of Spanking unless that player says "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

B.F.M. (Big Furry Monster)

You must cast both B.F.M. cards to put
leaves the battlefield, sacrifice the other.
B.F.M. can't be blocked except by three or

Sex Appeal

Prevent the next 3 damage that would be dealt this turn to any number of targets, divided as you choose. If there are more people in the room of a different gender than you are as you cast this spell, prevent the next 6 damage this way instead.

Chivalrous Chevalier

Flying
When Chivalrous Chevalier enters, return a creature you control to its owner's hand unless you compliment an opponent.

Staff of the Letter Magus

As Staff of the Letter Magus enters, choose a consonant other than N, R, S, or T.
Whenever a player casts a spell, you gain 1 life for each time the chosen letter appears in that spell's name.

Time Machine

{T}: Exile Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own. Return them to the battlefield at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X in the next game you play with one of your opponents in this game, where X is the mana value of the exiled creature.

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

Main Event Horizon

As an additional cost to cast this spell, choose A through M or N through Z.
Destroy each creature whose name begins with a letter in the chosen range.

Handy Dandy Clone Machine

{2}, {T}: Create a 2/2 colorless Homunculus creature token. It must be represented by a unique hand and two fingers at all times, or it ceases to exist.

First strike, protection from watermarks (Nothing with a watermark can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Mad Science Fair Project

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. On a 3 or lower, target player adds {C}. Otherwise, that player adds one mana of any color they choose.

City of Ass

City of Ass enters tapped.
{T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color.

Trapeze Artist

Flying
Trapeze Artist enters by being flipped from a height of at least one foot (about 0.3 meters). If it lands face down or didn't turn over completely at least once during the flip, return it to its owner's hand.

Imaginary Friends

Create three 0/0 white Spirit creature tokens with flying.

Organ Harvest

Your team may sacrifice any number of creatures. For each creature sacrificed this way, you add {B}{B}.

Togglodyte

Togglodyte enters turned on.
Whenever a player casts a spell, toggle Togglodyte's ON/OFF switch.
As long as Togglodyte is turned off, it can't attack or block, and prevent all damage it would deal.

Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

When this enchantment enters, you gain 7 life. You become a card until you leave your library or that library is shuffled. Put yourself seventh from the top, balancing the cards on top of you on your head.
When you draw yourself, you win the game.
When one or more cards fall off your head, exile them and all cards on your head, then sacrifice this enchantment.

Wordmail

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each word in its name.

Phyrexian Librarian

Flying, trample
At the beginning of your upkeep, exile the top card of your library and balance it on your body.
When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.

Gleemax

You choose all targets for all spells and abilities.

Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Standard Procedure

{1}, Reveal Standard Procedure from your hand: Choose an instant or sorcery card with mana value 3 or less currently legal in the Standard format. Standard Procedure becomes that card until end of turn.

Water Gun Balloon Game

As Water Gun Balloon Game enters, each player puts a pop! counter on "0."
Whenever a player casts a spell, move that player's pop! counter up one.
Whenever a player's pop! counter hits "5," that player creates a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token and resets all pop! counters to "0."

Stack of Paperwork

When Stack of Paperwork enters, draw a card.
Combat damage uses the stack. (Combat damage assignment can be responded to before damage is dealt.)

T.A.P.P.E.R.

{T}, Tap an untapped creature you control that has a hat: Tap target creature.

Autograph Book

Autograph Book enters with a page counter on it for each person who has signed it.
{3}, {T}, Remove a page counter from Autograph Book: Draw a card.

Scooch

Add or subtract 1 from target creature's power, target player's life total, or target die roll's result.
Draw a card.

Cheap Ass

Underdark Beholder

Underdark Beholder enters the battlefield with ten eyestalk counters on it.
If Underdark Beholder would be dealt damage, remove that many eyestalk counters from it instead. If you can't, sacrifice it.
Whenever Underdark Beholder attacks, reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal an instant, sorcery, or enchantment card with converted mana cost less than the number of eyestalk counters on Underdark Beholder. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Shuffle your library.

Skull Saucer

Flying
When Skull Saucer enters, destroy target creature and put your head on the table. Sacrifice Skull Saucer when your head stops touching the table.

Xyru Specter

Flying
Whenever Xyru Specter deals damage to an opponent, that player discards a card unless they challenge you. If challenged, and you show them two black cards in your hand, they must discard two cards.

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Lobe Lobber

Equipped creature has "{T}: This creature deals 1 damage to target player or planeswalker. Roll a six-sided die. On a 5 or higher, untap it."
Equip {2}

Mirrored Lotus

Reflect {0} (As this enters, each opponent may pay {0}. When they do, they create a token copy of this except it lacks this ability.)
{T}, Exile Mirrored Lotus: Add three mana of any one color.

Barry's Land

Lexivore

Whenever Lexivore deals damage to a player, destroy target permanent other than Lexivore with the most lines of text in its text box. (If two or more cards are tied, target any one of them.)

Hoisted Hireling

Hoisted Hireling has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Clock of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

{4}, {T}: Move the CRANK! counter to your Contraption deck's next sprocket and crank any number of that sprocket's Contraptions.

Head to Head

You and target opponent play Seven Questions with the top card of that player's library. If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice. (To play Seven Questions, that player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that they answer truthfully. You guess the card's name—that's question seven—then the player reveals the card.)