capital offense

target creature gets -x/-x until end of turn, where x is the number of times a capital letter appears in its rules text. (ignore reminder text and flavor text.)

Strategy, Schmategy

Roll a six-sided die. Strategy, Schmategy has the indicated effect.
1 — Do nothing.
2 — Destroy all artifacts.
3 — Destroy all lands.
4 — Strategy, Schmategy deals 3 damage to each creature and each player.
5 — Each player discards their hand and draws seven cards.
6 — Repeat this process two more times.

Labro Bot

When this creature enters, return target host card or card with augment from your graveyard to your hand.

Contraption Cannon

{2}, Sacrifice this artifact: It deals damage to any target equal to the number of Contraptions you control.

Angelic Rocket

Flying
When this creature enters, you may destroy target nonland permanent.

Chicken Egg

At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 6, sacrifice this creature and create a 4/4 red Giant Bird creature token.

Riveting Rigger

When this creature enters, you may sacrifice another artifact. If you do, put two +1/+1 counters on this creature and it assembles a Contraption. (Put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Krark's Other Thumb

If you would roll a die, instead roll two of those dice and ignore one of those results.

Bursting Beebles

This creature can't be blocked as long as defending player controls two or more nonland permanents that share an artist.

Cataclysmic Gearhulk

Vigilance
When this creature enters, each player chooses an artifact, a creature, an enchantment, and a planeswalker from among the nonland permanents they control, then sacrifices the rest.

Flock of Rabid Sheep

Flip X coins. For each flip you win, create a 2/2 green Sheep creature token named Rabid Sheep.

Scissors Lizard

Creatures named Paper Tiger can't attack or block.

Mother Kangaroo

When this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. Put a number of +1/+1 counters on this creature equal to the result.

Filigree Familiar

When this creature enters, you gain 2 life.
When this creature dies, draw a card.

Quick-Stick Lick Trick

Whenever you crank this Contraption, target creature gets +1/+1 and gains lifelink until end of turn.

Entirely Normal Armchair

During your turn, if this card is in your hand, you may hide it on the battlefield.
{0}: Return this artifact to its owner's hand. Only your opponents may activate this ability and only if they see this artifact.
{2}, Sacrifice this artifact: Destroy target attacking creature.

Bone Splinters

As an additional cost to cast this spell, sacrifice a creature.
Destroy target creature.

Hammerfest Boomtacular

Whenever you cast a spell with a Goblin Explosioneers watermark, this enchantment deals 2 damage to any target.

Arrest

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature can't attack or block, and its activated abilities can't be activated.

Steamflogger Temp

{6}, {T}: This creature assembles a Contraption. (Put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Inflation Station

Whenever you crank this Contraption, target creature gets +3/+3 until end of turn.

Scrounge

Target opponent chooses an artifact card in their graveyard. Put that card onto the battlefield under your control.

Dr. Julius Jumblemorph

Dr. Julius Jumblemorph is every creature type (even if this card isn't on the battlefield).
Whenever a host you control enters, you may search your library and/or graveyard for a card with augment and combine it with that host. If you search your library this way, shuffle.

Fleetfeather Sandals

Equipped creature has flying and haste.
Equip {2} ({2}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

"Rumors of My Death . . ."

{3}{B}, Exile a permanent you control with a League of Dastardly Doom watermark: Return a permanent card with a League of Dastardly Doom watermark from your graveyard to the battlefield.

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Side Quest

Target player in an Un-game you can see from your seat gains control of target creature you control until your next turn. At the beginning of your next upkeep, put two +1/+1 counters on that creature. (A creature is on the battlefield of only the game its controller is playing.)

Jamming Device

Whenever you crank this Contraption, creatures target player controls get -1/-1 until end of turn.

Head Banger

Whenever you crank this Contraption, target creature must be blocked this turn if able.

Druid of the Sacred Beaker

{T}: Add {G} for each Crossbreed Labs watermark among permanents you control.

Spidersilk Net

Equipped creature gets +0/+2 and has reach. (It can block creatures with flying.)
Equip {2} ({2}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

Hoisted Hireling

This creature has flying as long as it's being held above the battlefield.

Squirrel Dealer

When this creature enters, ask a person outside the game "Do you like Squirrels?" If they do, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token.

Curse of Predation

Enchant player
Whenever a creature attacks enchanted player, put a +1/+1 counter on it.

Taiga

Five-Finger Discount

Put target nonland permanent into your hand. You may spend mana as though it were mana of any color the next time you cast that card.

Bumbling Pangolin

When this creature enters, you may destroy target artifact.

Thud-for-Duds

Whenever you crank this Contraption, roll two six-sided dice. This Contraption deals damage to target creature equal to the difference between those results.

Common Courtesy

Whenever a player casts a spell without asking your permission while casting it, counter that spell.
When a player asks you permission to cast a spell and you refuse, counter that spell and sacrifice this enchantment.

Gnome-Made Engine

When this creature enters, create a 1/1 colorless Gnome artifact creature token.

Working Stiff

As this creature enters, straighten your arms.
When you bend an elbow, sacrifice this creature.

Midlife Upgrade

As an additional cost to cast this spell, sacrifice X Contraptions.
Assemble X plus one Contraptions. (To assemble a Contraption, put the top card of your Contraption deck face up onto one of your sprockets.)

Steam-Powered

{5}:
Augment {4} ({4}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)

Mad Science Fair Project

{T}: Roll a six-sided die. On a 3 or lower, target player adds {C}. Otherwise, that player adds one mana of any color they choose.

Old-Fashioned Vampire

Flying
This creature gets +2/+2 and has deathtouch as long as it's dark outdoors.

Ninja

You may activate this card's augment ability any time you could cast an instant.
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player,
Augment {2}{B} ({2}{B}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as—oh, never mind.)

Sacrifice Play

A person outside the game chooses an attacking or blocking creature target opponent controls. That player sacrifices that creature.

Nim Lasher

This creature gets +1/+0 for each artifact you control.

Jumbo Imp

Flying
As this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. This creature enters with a number of +1/+1 counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, roll a six-sided die and put a number of +1/+1 counters on this creature equal to the result.
At the beginning of your end step, roll a six-sided die and remove a number of +1/+1 counters from this creature equal to the result.

Grave Upheaval

Put target creature card from a graveyard onto the battlefield under your control. It gains haste.
Basic landcycling {2} ({2}, Discard this card: Search your library for a basic land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.)

Mother of Goons

Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies, sacrifice this creature unless you insult that creature.

Tread Mill

Whenever you crank this Contraption, until end of turn, target creature gets +1/+2, gains vigilance, and becomes an artifact in addition to its other types.

Molten Psyche

Each player shuffles the cards from their hand into their library, then draws that many cards.
Metalcraft — If you control three or more artifacts, Molten Psyche deals damage to each opponent equal to the number of cards that player has drawn this turn.

Plateau

Spell Queller

Flash
Flying
When this creature enters, exile target spell with mana value 4 or less.
When this creature leaves the battlefield, the exiled card's owner may cast that card without paying its mana cost.

Lackey Recycler

Whenever you crank this Contraption, put target creature card from your graveyard on top of your library.

Watermarket

{T}: Add {C}{C}. Spend this mana only to cast spells with watermarks.

Genetic Recombinator

Whenever you crank this Contraption, up to two target creatures each get +2/+2 until end of turn.

Lobe Lobber

Equipped creature has "{T}: This creature deals 1 damage to target player or planeswalker. Roll a six-sided die. On a 5 or higher, untap it."
Equip {2}

Bronze Calendar

Spells you cast cost {1} less to cast.
You must speak in a voice other than your normal voice.
When you speak in your normal voice, sacrifice this artifact.

Big Boa Constrictor

When this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. Target opponent loses life equal to the result.

Ash Barrens

{T}: Add {C}.
Basic landcycling {1} ({1}, Discard this card: Search your library for a basic land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.)

Goblin S.W.A.T. Team

Say "Goblin S.W.A.T. Team": Put a +1/+1 counter on this creature unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Activate only once each turn.

Accessories to Murder

Whenever you crank this Contraption, target creature gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the number of creatures you control.

Despondent Killbot

Chivalrous Chevalier

Flying
When this creature enters, return a creature you control to its owner's hand unless you compliment an opponent.

Summon the Pack

Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put all creature cards revealed this way onto the battlefield under your control. They're Zombies in addition to their other types. (Remove those cards from your deck before beginning a new game.)

Burnished Hart

{3}, Sacrifice this creature: Search your library for up to two basic land cards, put them onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

Subjugator Angel

Flying
When this creature enters, tap all creatures your opponents control.

Tropical Island

Division Table

Whenever you crank this Contraption, target player loses 2 life.

Remodel

If you control two or more green permanents that share an artist, you may cast this spell without paying its mana cost.
Exile target artifact.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Slaying Mantis

Just a second (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can't move permanents.)
This creature enters by being thrown from a distance of at least three feet.
When this creature enters, it fights each creature an opponent controls that it touched as it entered.

The Grand Calcutron

When The Grand Calcutron enters, each player's hand becomes a program (an ordered row of revealed cards).
Players can play only the first card of their program.
If a card would be put into a player's hand from anywhere, that player reveals it and places it anywhere within their program instead.
At the beginning of each player's end step, if that player's program has fewer than five cards, they draw cards equal to the difference.
The Grand Calcutron can be your commander.

Shaggy Camel

When this creature enters, creatures you control get +1/+1 until end of turn.

Delighted Killbot

Proper Laboratory Attire

Equipped creature gets +2/+1 and has protection from die rolls. (Nothing that lets a player roll a die can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to equipped creature.)
Equip {2}

Amass the Components

Draw three cards, then put a card from your hand on the bottom of your library.

Volrath's Motion Sensor

Enchant player
As this Aura enters, choose one of enchanted player's hands. That player balances this Aura on the back of that hand.
When this Aura falls off the chosen hand, sacrifice this Aura and enchanted player loses 3 life.

GO TO JAIL

When this enchantment enters, exile target creature an opponent controls until this enchantment leaves the battlefield.
At the beginning of the upkeep of the exiled card's owner, that player rolls two six-sided dice. If they roll doubles, sacrifice this enchantment.

Red-Hot Hottie

Whenever this creature deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Demolish

Ezuri's Brigade

Metalcraft — As long as you control three or more artifacts, this creature gets +4/+4 and has trample.

Knight of the Kitchen Sink

First strike, protection from watermarks (Nothing with a watermark can block, target, deal damage to, or attach to this creature.)

Success!

Target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn. If it's a host or has augment, it gains lifelink until end of turn.

Numbing Jellyfish

When this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. Target player mills X cards, where X is the result.

Natural Obsolescence

Put target artifact on the bottom of its owner's library.

Rules Lawyer

State-based actions don't apply to you or other permanents you control. (You don't lose the game due to having 0 or less life or drawing from an empty library. Your creatures aren't destroyed due to damage or deathtouch and aren't put into a graveyard due to having 0 or less toughness. Your planeswalkers aren't put into a graveyard if they have 0 loyalty. You don't put a legendary permanent into a graveyard if you control two with the same name. Counters aren't removed from your permanents due to game rules. Permanents you control attached or combined illegally remain on the battlefield. For complete rules and regulations, see rule 704.)

Magic Word

Enchant creature
As this Aura enters, choose a word.
Whisper the chosen word: Tap enchanted creature.

Ground Pounder

{3}{G}: Roll a six-sided die. This creature gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is the result.
Whenever you roll a 5 or higher on a die, this creature gains trample until end of turn.

Blurry Beeble

Blurry (This creature can be blocked only if defending player was wearing glasses as it was cast.)
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.

Fowl Play

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a Bird creature with base power and toughness 1/1.

Oddly Uneven

Choose one —
• Destroy each creature with an odd number of words in its name. (Hyphenated words are one word.)
• Destroy each creature with an even number of words in its name.

Verdurous Gearhulk

Trample
When this creature enters, distribute four +1/+1 counters among any number of target creatures you control.

Graveyard Busybody

All graveyards are also your graveyards.
Graveyard Busybody's power and toughness are each equal to the number of cards with flavor text in your graveyards.

Double Play

Choose another player. Search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle.

Double Deal

Choose another player. Double Deal deals 3 damage to that player. At the beginning of the first upkeep in your next game with that player, Double Deal deals 3 damage to the player.

World-Bottling Kit

{5}, Sacrifice this artifact: Choose a Magic set. Exile all permanents with that set's expansion symbol except for basic lands.

Shimmering Grotto

{T}: Add {C}.
{1}, {T}: Add one mana of any color.

Disciple of the Vault

Whenever an artifact is put into a graveyard from the battlefield, you may have target opponent lose 1 life.

Grand Coliseum

This land enters tapped.
{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add one mana of any color. This land deals 1 damage to you.

Mesa Chicken

Stand up, Flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: This creature gains flying until end of turn.

Robo-

At the beginning of each end step, if an artifact entered the battlefield under your control this turn,
Augment {2} ({2}, Reveal this card from your hand: Combine it with target host. Augment only as a sorcery.)