Fat Ass

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Khorvath Brightflame

Partner with Sylvia Brightspear (When this creature enters, target player may put Sylvia into their hand from their library, then shuffle.)
Flying, haste
Knights your team controls have flying and haste.

Regna, the Redeemer

Partner with Krav, the Unredeemed (When this creature enters, target player may put Krav into their hand from their library, then shuffle.)
Flying
At the beginning of each end step, if your team gained life this turn, create two 1/1 white Warrior creature tokens.

Sauté

City of Ass

City of Ass enters tapped.
{T}: Add one and one-half mana of any one color.

Save Life

Choose one —
• Target player gains 2½ life.
• Prevent the next 2½ damage that would be dealt to target creature this turn.
Gotcha — If an opponent says "save" or "life," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Save Life from your graveyard to your hand.

Flaccify

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {3}{½}.

Smart Ass

Whenever Smart Ass attacks, choose a card name. If defending player has no cards with the chosen name in their hand, they may reveal their hand. If they don't reveal their hand, Smart Ass can't be blocked this turn.

Supersize

Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn.

Toothy, Imaginary Friend

Partner with Pir, Imaginative Rascal (When this creature enters, target player may put Pir into their hand from their library, then shuffle.)
Whenever you draw a card, put a +1/+1 counter on Toothy, Imaginary Friend.
When Toothy leaves the battlefield, draw a card for each +1/+1 counter on it.

Letter Bomb

When Letter Bomb enters, sign it and shuffle it into target player's library. That player reveals each card they draw until they draw Letter Bomb. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to them.

Okaun, Eye of Chaos

Partner with Zndrsplt, Eye of Wisdom (When this creature enters, target player may put Zndrsplt into their hand from their library, then shuffle.)
At the beginning of combat on your turn, flip a coin until you lose a flip.
Whenever a player wins a coin flip, double Okaun's power and toughness until end of turn.

Dumb Ass

At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn.

Cheap Ass

Rowan Kenrith

+2: During target player's next turn, each creature that player controls attacks if able.
−2: Rowan Kenrith deals 3 damage to each tapped creature target player controls.
−8: Target player gets an emblem with "Whenever you activate an ability that isn't a mana ability, copy it. You may choose new targets for the copy."
Partner with Will Kenrith
Rowan Kenrith can be your commander.