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Commander
Whenever Hans Eriksson attacks, reveal the top card of your library. If it's a creature card, put it onto the battlefield tapped and attacking defending player or a planeswalker they control. Otherwise, put that card into your hand. When you put a creature card onto the battlefield this way, it fights Hans Eriksson.

Commander
Butt Booster
You may cast this spell as though it had flash. If you cast it any time a sorcery couldn't have been cast, the controller of the permanent it becomes sacrifices it at the beginning of the next cleanup step. Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets +0/+3 and has reach. (It can block creatures with flying.)

Butt Booster
Keister Killer
Keister Killer
Assholes Live Forever
Whenever a creature with toughness 4 or greater is put into your graveyard from the battlefield, you may exile it. At the beginning of the end step, if three or more cards have been exiled with this artifact, sacrifice it. If you do, return those cards to the battlefield under their owner's control.

Assholes Live Forever
Butt Burn
Butt Burn
Pants
Target permanent you control gains hexproof and indestructible until end of turn. You gain 2 life. (A permanent with hexproof and indestructible can't be the target of spells or abilities your opponents control. Damage and effects that say "destroy" don't destroy it.)

Pants
Asswipe
Asswipe
Buttstrike
Buttstrike
Tail Take
Tail Take
Derriere Firma
{T}: Add {C}. {2}, {T}, Sacrifice this land: Destroy target nonbasic land an opponent controls. That land's controller may search their library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. You may search your library for a basic land card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle.

Derriere Firma
The Butts Defense
The Butts Defense
Bottom Deck
Bottom Deck
Gluteus Manamus
Gluteus Manamus
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